December 26^th, 2007 was the day I found out I was pregnant.  I was a 22-year-old college student still living at home, so I took the test in a Walmart bathroom so I could easily destroy the evidence, as my mother was very much against elective abortion.  I knew from the moment my period was late that if I was pregnant, I would be getting an abortion.  This baby just wasn’t meant to be.

I grew up knowing I would likely have children someday, but at 22 years old, I was not in a place where I could support a family.  I had just recently gone back to school to finish my BSN at one of the most rigorous nursing schools in Massachusetts, and was working four part-time jobs to support myself.  

I had a primary partner that I had been with for three and a half years, but we were in an open relationship, and there was a chance that the baby was not his.  I was not about to blow up our lives with this.  I felt that abortion was the most responsible option. 

At first, I didn’t tell my boyfriend.  I was going to take care of it on my own and just move forward, but the process was more complicated than I realized.  Making the appointment took an entire day of phone calls.  The earliest appointment I could get was January 4^th.  I couldn’t keep a secret for that long.  I ended up telling him after a couple of days and he was supportive.  He agreed that abortion was the right choice.  

The second obstacle was getting the money to pay for the abortion.  I don’t remember the exact amount, but I believe it was around $600.  I emptied my bank account and used whatever money I got for Christmas, plus some savings bonds.  Somehow, I came up with the money.  

The final obstacle was figuring out where I would stay during the process.  Planned Parenthood would give me the first pill in the office to stop the embryo from growing, and the next day I would take a second pill to expel the contents of the uterus.  It sounded simple enough. I was pretty sure I could do it at home and just say I had a bad period, but thankfully I didn’t have to do that because a close friend offered me use of her apartment while she was home for the holiday break.  Thank goodness for that apartment!  She really saved me because there is no way I could have done it at home.  I got violently ill for hours from the second pill.  I think if I was home, my parents would have sent me to the hospital.  Having access to a safe place to have the abortion made a world of difference.  

I never regretted having an abortion.  The situation was unfortunate, but nowhere near as traumatic as it would have been to move forward with the pregnancy.  I was lucky to have been living in MA at the time, where abortion is easily accessible.  I was also lucky to have the money to pay for the medication and to have a place to stay during the process.  I can’t imagine how difficult it would have been otherwise.  Perhaps even impossible.    

Contrary to popular belief, the government does not pay for abortions.  The implication of this is that if you can’t afford an abortion, you can’t get one.  How unfortunate that poverty can force women into having children they are not ready to have.  How sad that women are unable to escape the cycles of poverty and cannot leave abusive relationships or have successful careers.

One thing I’ve learned since having children, is how easily an abuser can weaponize children and use them to terrorize the other parent.  Having children with the wrong person can be terrifying.  There is no fear like the terror you feel when you don’t know where your children are or if they are safe.  Or the stress and anxiety thinking about the terrible things the other parent is exposing them to, for no other reason than to cause you distress.  Most mothers would do anything for their children, and the fathers know that, and exploit it.  Abortion restrictions not only force women to have children, but it can potentially force them to have children with dangerous people.  People who will use the child as a tool to torture the mother indefinitely.  

Nobody should ever be forced to continue a pregnancy.  Women tend to provide most of the childcare, plus almost all the emotional labor.  On top of that, we work full-time and maintain the household.  Forcing someone to have a baby is a big deal.  There simply are not enough resources to offset the financial, emotional, and physical difficulties of having a baby when you are not in the right place for it.  It is much easier for men to continue their lives as usual, but for women everything changes.  It is also far too easy for men to avoid paying child support, which puts the woman further into debt and distress.  

If men got pregnant, they would be having abortions all the time.  They would never risk their health and livelihood to have a baby they were not prepared for.  Make no mistake, forcing women to continue pregnancies is about control, not “killing babies.”  Abortion bans are a human rights violation, and the effects are catastrophic.  Women have fought hard for abortion rights, and we will continue to fight.  We will never give up.  We deserve better.  

BodysexRI@gmail.com

Rachel is currently in training as a Bodysex Coach. 

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