I find my power when I’m angry

I saw him enter the building, walking past signs that read: Do not enter.  Private event for women only.

“Get out! No!” I shouted as I propelled toward him, pushing him with the energy from my body.

Now I imagine myself in that moment as an angry goddess crone with wild long gray hair framing a face full of rage on top of a large round naked body.

Unashamed, protective, powerful. I felt like a superhero.

The man left the building. The women were safe inside the room that held our sacred circle, uninterrupted from this potential intrusion. I didn’t hesitate to act in order to protect them. My reaction was visceral. My power came from the anger that I felt seeing the man walk past signs on the door, invading the space that we had rented and claimed for ourselves. It was a violation. I stood my ground and won.

I was raised to be compliant and docile. From the time I was a toddler, any anger that I expressed was punished with louder adult voices or sometimes a spanking. I tiptoed around any anger expressed by my parents. It felt too big and scary for me. I learned that anger was a bad emotion. So I buried any of my own angry feelings. I did my best to behave in ways that wouldn’t ignite any angry responses from others around me. I became a people pleaser.

While in my 30’s, my therapist taught me that anger is inevitable and part of being human. Anger has a purpose and could help me take action to protect myself. I began to recognize my anger as a small flame deep inside. I usually kept it to myself. I wrote in my journal, screamed in the shower, or punched a pillow. After deep consideration and forethought, I could sometimes use my anger to rationally take action. As long as I determined my anger was just and my actions were pre-mediated and rationale, I could act

A huge shift happened after Bodysex. Non-judgement in the circle combined with self-pleasure enabled me to grow into loving myself, all of me, including my anger.

Over time as I got more comfortable with myself, I lost my poker face. My expression shows all my feelings, not just the happy acceptable ones. I no longer judge myself about my feelings or reactions.

These days when I’m angry, my words and actions just spill out without forethought. I’m the total opposite of my former self, when I buried anger so deep that sometimes I didn’t even know it was there. I can no longer hold it in. The pendulum swung completely the other way.

“I’m out of here!” I yelled at my dad then left his house just 15 minutes after I had arrived. My dad said something that diminished me. He pressed on after I stood up, demanding respect. I got in my car and drove away. I went around the block and processed what had occurred. My rage in that moment was fueled by years of being diminished as his daughter. My dad is 89. He isn’t going to change. Do I want to cut off the good in our relationship? Or do I want to use the power of my anger more choicefully? I went back to my dad’s house and apologized for my outburst. He played the victim. We continued our visit. I accept and understand my anger in that situation. I forgave myself. I don’t have to please my dad or anyone. It was a moment of growth. My dad is an adult and can take my anger. The added benefit is that my dad has been more respectful and nicer to me since then.

My growing edge with my anger is to learn how to be more choiceful with my words and actions. I want to harness the power of my anger for my benefit without harming the innocent.

I love my anger. I love me.

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