I spent the morning cleaning. I don’t actually like cleaning, but thinking of how I was high up on the ladder cleaning windows, singing along to Allison Russel‘s album ‘The Returner‘ and shaking my butt as though no one was watching (and I’m pretty sure all those neighbors working in their gardens were watching) has me giggling. This is me. The new me. The one who truly does not give a fuck about what anyone thinks – well, most of the time anyway.

In these last few days, I have had some rather intense conversations with my body. The body that is so good to me and still gets reprimanded on a regular basis. Even after all this time. Even with all the knowledge I now have. My upbringing was decent in many ways, but when it comes to my body, I would say that pretty much everyone around me failed. While the females I grew up amongst seemed to constantly try to lose weight and engaged in all sorts of diets and detox plans, the men had something to say about pretty much any female body there was. Skinny, so I believed, was the only thing to aspire towards, not eating any food for an entire day something to celebrate. Not that skinny bodies weren’t commented on …

I have learned that this is bullshit. That it is my job to listen to my body, to nourish and take care of it. That we are perfect the way we are. That I am perfect the way I am. On days I am high up on a ladder, singing, I am ok with this. I almost believe it. However, there are those days when my hormones are all over the place, I wake up bloated and cannot fit into my jeans quite comfortably. Those are the days – and dare I say most of the days – I look into the mirror and don’t like what I see. The funny thing is that over the last few years, I have come to appreciate the female body in ways I never have before. I think we are gorgeous. We are sexy. Stunning. Absolutely divine. Our bodies something to look at in astonishment, no matter what size, shape, or form. Bodysex has finally opened the door to looking at bodies in a new and healthy way. We are beautiful. All of us. Yet I struggle to find the voice inside myself that hands the compliments out to my ass – the one that does not fit the jeans. To my thighs – the ones that have started touching a while back already, without me getting used to the sensation. To my tummy – the one that has carried three beautiful children and deserves to be left alone, in loving peace. Why is it so hard to love my body? This question is nerve-wrecking. It feels like I want to find an answer. Be done with it. Finally get over it! So, in these last few days, I have started to try a different angle. I look at myself and I smile. I take in every part of my body. Completely. With no judgement. My reflection – no judgement. My curves – no judgement. My aging skin – no judgement. It is so hard. Judgement comes so much easier than love. Still, I put in the work, and it had me shaking my butt with pleasure and grace today, feeling nothing short of amazing and powerful. That alone makes all this hard work worth it. That alone gives me the feeling of being on the right path.

After cleaning windows, scrubbing floors and wiping out kitchen cupboards, I decided to take a little coffee break and check my emails. There was post from my Bodysex sister Katrina, who shared an erotic story she had written with her newsletter community. Her words made my vulva tingle and I quickly noticed, as I felt into my body, that I was up for a little playtime. What better way to end a round of serious cleaning than some pleasure!? I breathed out and closed my eyes. What was I in the mood for? Erika Lust had also been in my inbox, which reminded me that it had been a while since the last time I watched porn. Yep, that’s exactly what I was in the mood for! So that is what I did. Gifted myself some visual stimulation, coupled with two amazing, slow, and almost luxurious orgasms. Just like that. Sex with myself. In the middle of the afternoon.

My orgasms have become available to me. Something I enjoy and get to have whenever I am in the mood for it. Gone is the frustration I once brought to the table when starting out on this journey. Instead, I now have this wonderful way of checking in with myself. With my body. With my pleasure. Of knowing what I want and taking it. Still, I cannot stop myself from wondering what all still lies in stock for me. Waiting … In those silent alleys of full body love. Of slow, deliberate appreciation and joy. I know I will get there. One step at the time. Until the day I see nothing but beauty in that sexy ass of mine. Until the day my body and my pleasure meet and take me to a whole new universe of judgement-free pleasure.