Since the very start of 2026, I’ve felt emotionally raw, ready to cry at any moment. There’s a tightness in my chest, a lump in my throat, and tears just behind my eyes when I think about the state of the world. The sad, inevitable end of an important relationship is also fueling my emotions. We have very different political viewpoints which makes the current divide in our country so personal for me. When he said that he didn’t trust me because I’m a liberal Democrat, I knew in my head we were over.

The day that I heard a woman in Minneapolis had been shot, I followed the news online as the story unfolded. I watched the videos over and over. Seeing Renee Goode killed by an ICE agent for no justifiable reason triggered deep sadness and anger within me. I couldn’t look away. I didn’t know what to do with my feelings.

Then I saw a post on social media shared by my now ex, defending the killer and blaming Renee. I now knew in my heart we were over. Did I ever really know him?

I had difficulty connecting with myself. I couldn’t get grounded. I could have chosen alcohol or cannabis to just numb out for a while until I could deal. Instead, I masturbated. That might not seem like a typical solution, but it worked for me. I touched my body and reconnected with myself. My breath helped me feel more grounded. I focused on my pleasure as a way to calm my nervous system.  After I orgasmed, I sobbed. Tears released my sadness and grief. I sent my orgasm energy to Renee and her family. Orgasm brings me a connection with humanity. For me, orgasm can feel like a prayer. Pleasure and love are healing.

Not even two weeks later, I heard a report of another killing in Minneapolis by ICE. I spent the entire day online, reading information and watching new videos as the story of Alex Pretti unfolded. Seeing another violent murder by law enforcement sent me into another state of shock. Again, I couldn’t look away.

The next day, I tried masturbation as my way to cope. This time, I just couldn’t connect with my body. I couldn’t connect with my orgasm. So I gave up. I cocooned in my bed for a while, snuggled in flannel sheets under a heavy wool duvet that enveloped me like a hug.

A couple of days later, Carlin and I chatted online after recording a video. We talked about ICE in Minneapolis. Neither of us could understand how some view these shootings as justifiable and righteous. I brought up my ex as an example. Tears burst from my eyes. How could there be such a lack of compassion and humanity from anyone, but especially from someone that I loved? It took our conversation for me to connect with my feelings.

Later, I was able to connect with my body. I masturbated to orgasm. I dedicated my orgasm energy to Alex Pretti and the residents in Minneapolis. It helped me find a moment of peace.

I trust in my orgasm. I can use my pleasure practice as a tool to get me through difficult times. Going within grounds me. My orgasm brings me comfort. I can survive anything.

Art by Betty Dodson

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