For many years, I didn’t even consider that I had preferences for anything.

“Where do you want to go for lunch?”

“Anywhere is fine with me” was always my pat response.

I found a way to like – or maybe a better word is accept – most anything. I accommodated the preferences of others around me. I looked outward instead of inside of me. It didn’t even occur to me that my own preference mattered.

When I was in my 30’s, my friend Claire often pushed me into stating my preference.

“Where do you want to go for lunch?”

“Anywhere you want to go works for me.”

“But what do you want to eat?”

“Oh, I’m sure I’ll find something on the menu.”

“Close your eyes. Imagine what you would want to see on your plate right now.”

Claire wouldn’t give up until I saw the image of what I wanted. She would tell me what she wanted. Then we would name restaurants that could accommodate both of our preferences. These were the first conversations that I had to learn how to work together with someone else to both get what we each wanted. Until then I was often unaware of my own preferences, and even when I was aware, I always deferred to the other person.

My conditioning from childhood ran deep. Slowly, I started to acknowledge my own preferences, even if I kept my awareness inside. Sometimes I would speak out. I learned that most of the time, my preferences were accommodated. Through several years of interactions, I became more comfortable with having preferences and expressing them to others.

I had to give myself permission to have preferences outside of the bedroom before I could ever define my sexual preferences, both solo and with a partner.

Through my teens and twenties, I was a prolific masturbator. My technique was consistent: an index finger from each had on either side of my clitoral shaft, fluttering rapidly up and down until I orgasmed. It was effective. I didn’t even think of trying anything else so I can’t say it really was a preference. I just stuck with the first thing that worked.

I loved necking and heavy petting with partners. I never really noticed any preferences beyond that. Everything with a partner just felt so new and hot. I liked all of it.

Then after a dinner date, M introduced me to bondage and the Hitachi Magic Wand. I came hard with multiple orgasms. Before that experience, I often fantasized about being tied up. How did he know? I purchased my own Hitachi. Vibrators became my preference over my two-finger flutter (which still feels pretty good, by the way). Over the years, I purchased and tried many other vibrators but always came back to the Hitachi (now the Magic Wand) as my top preference.

Communicating my preferences with a partner also started with M. He was interested and he asked. At first, I wasn’t sure how to answer. We would read the Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice and talk about what we each found arousing. Usually, we would talk after sex about what we enjoyed and what could have been better. He didn’t hesitate in telling me about what he liked and didn’t like. Pleasing him was my preference so I liked everything that he liked. It didn’t take long for me to engage in sex his way. I lost myself, just like I did when choosing a restaurant. I thought prioritizing his preference was necessary to stay in the relationship. Love raises the stakes, and I fell back into familiar patterns.

With partners after M, I was more aware of what I preferred in the moment. I’d think: “don’t stop”, “slow down a little,” “go back to what you were just doing.”  All those words just stayed in my head. Sometimes after sex, I’d verbalize what I particularly liked: “It felt so good when your finger circled my clit,” “You moved your cock in just the right rhythm,” In my 50’s, I started verbalizing my preferences in the moment. Positive responses helped me learn that it was okay to speak my mind during sex.

Everything shifted after Bodysex. My first workshop gave me permission to focus on me, not my partner. I learned that there are options. I learned that exploring my own pleasure is essential. Prioritizing my preferences is my birthright. I found me. I truly fell in love with myself. Once that happened, I could no longer ignore my own preferences. I speak my mind and state my pleasure.

For more, read my post Finding My Voice.

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