The wisdom and magic of menstruation is not taught. Unless you have women that raised you with this ancient knowledge or have good resources around you. Or you just have to find everything on your own. Then you were like me, walking through the creaky old abandoned house, looking for answers.

My first bleed came thick and fast. I’ve always described it as though my body was being torn open. Womanhood opened the floodgates and poured through, between my legs.

It was my first bleed, I’m 15, in Costa Coffee disabled toilets trying to make some paper mache nappie to soak up all the blood. One leg on the sink, frantically cleaning myself. After I had resolved most of the bloody mess. I sheepishly walked out of the cafe, got on the bus and went home.

I explained to my sister and mother that my period had started and received no remorse, no answers, just a quick throw away comment from my mother and sister, go get some pads and tampons from the shops. I was mortified.

Knowing what I know now… that tampons and pads are full of chemicals that carry endocrine inhibitors. It’s shocking how people are still putting them in their bodies. But I have high hopes as we have modibodi, thinxs pants and other natural unbleached cotton pads out there that don’t reak havoc with our vaginal ecosystem.

A tampon was the first phallic object I put inside my vagina and it wasn’t comfortable at all. I felt feelings of sadness wash over me. Mainly because I was confused why it was so hard to insert and secondly, wasn’t there more to this bleed than just bleeding?
Needless to say, this question, wasn’t there more to this bleed than just bleeding? Stuck with me as I continued to search for answers.

Everything changed when in 2014 a friend sent a ted talk by Alisa Vitti called Loving your lady parts as a path to success, power & global change: Alisa Vitti at TEDxFiDiWomen. Finally I got my hands on valid, researched and actionable information. I was so grateful for my friend and to this woman for highlighting information about my body that finally put words to how I was feeling. So we do have a brilliant blue print. We just need to learn to read it.

I am still learning to read it and each bleed I learn something new about where I am at on a physical, emotional and spiritual level.
The biggest breakthrough or fuck you, is that I now understand that my bleed is sacred. It is purifying, it is lifeforce energy, it is the practice of surrender… which is difficult, in an do outcome oriented world. My bleed is the sign that I am fertile, that I am the creator for whatever I do.

Let’s take a breath here. We are the only mammals that bleed every month for 20 to 35 years of our life and we don’t die. Isn’t that phenomenal. Each month my body is renewing itself. For over 20 years I had constantly heavy, regular periods, no cramps or pains with the odd clot but nothing serious. Then in 2020 my womb decided to start shouting at me. When the bleed came, I would go into an animal howl, on all fours as I waned, feeling beaten from the inside. As if in labor but with no baby in sight.

These periods got worse and worse and my iron levels dropped as my liver started to stagnate. I went through a series of medical checks and nothing. Nothing was to be found. So I took it upon myself to research. I changed my diet, started drinking plenty of nettle, raspberry tea which is an essential tonic for restoring the blood. And other calming blood rich teas. I also found womb healing herbs to support my menstruation. Each step I took in healing, I was starting to feel the change.

Pleasure, oh pleasure. There you are…

One day last year when I was feeling agony while bleeding, I had done everything, massage, period yoga and still the pain kept coming. So I grabbed my vibrator as a last resort and WOW I am so glad I did. I gently began the rock and roll and breathed deeply in rhythm with each rock and roll. I let go of any expectation to come. I just felt like I need to transcend this pain. I moved the vibrator around my stomach, pelvis, womb, hips and lower back. I pressed where I felt the pain. And slowly slowly slowly my energy shifted gear.

I realised that I needed to slow down and be with my inner Goddess as she bled. I felt tears rolling down my check . As I thanked my inner call to masturbate. The rise of pleasure started to flood my body and I … Came, again and again and again. Hours later I felt peace. There was no pain only euphoria.

Then I realised I was thirsty and hungry.

As I reflected on this, I understood that orgasm has a power far greater then a sexual release. Orgasm in that moment became a medicine. A medicine that I created, that I trusted and that had only good side effects. The best side effect any medicine could have, relief, pleasure, joy, peace and total acceptance.

It also made me feel grateful for the pain, because if it hadn’t gotten so bad I don’t think I would have thought to masturbate with such surrender and care.

Orgasms are better than any drug.

Photo by Monika Kozub on Unsplash

Emma is currently in training as a Bodysex Coach. 

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