Pleasure is soft and easy. It may not come quickly to those who believe themselves  undeserving or who have endured terrible trauma, but we are all hard-wired for pleasure.  Arriving at pleasure is not easy, but the experience of pleasure is the definition of ease. That is  paradoxical and confusing. It should all be easy.  

If it were all easy then the reward would be minimal. That’s what the brain scientists say  about dopamine. The greater the struggle, the bigger the dopamine release in the brain. In our  chaotic world, taking the time for oneself feels insurmountably challenging. And I think it’s  important to distinguish between types of pleasure, especially if there has been trauma or pain  surrounding sexual pleasure. Recently, when my sex drive waned during stress in school, I  started to practice pleasure awareness elsewhere in my life actively.  

Caring for my cats will be my pleasure during the day when I’m overwhelmed with work  and school. Our nighttime routine, where I feed them wet food, clean their litter boxes, and fill  their dry food containers, brings me joy. Daily litter box cleaning wouldn’t usually be what  people consider pleasant. But I’ve found that finding the pleasure in the mundanity of daily life  only increases net pleasure. And who doesn’t want that?  

I have a skin care routine that I follow religiously. I’ve battled with acne and “bad” skin  since I was a teenager. There are days still years later that looking in the mirror leads to a feeling  beyond dismay. The only reassurance during those days is my skin care routine. I apply the  products to my face and body with love and care. Rubbing lotion and moisturizer onto your face  and body is pleasure and luxury. Luxury that you can afford. You don’t need expensive 

moisturizers. Dermatologists agree that the drugstore moisturizer works just as well. Slathering  myself with lotion and skin care products until my skin feels hydrated brings a sense of calm to  the end of my day. I have a towel wrap for my hair. I have no bra on. That is when I feel the most  at ease and comfortable in my skin.  

Recently I’ve been increasing my exercise. Exercising itself is decidedly the opposite of  pleasure. I’m trying to build strength and have incorporated weights and cycling on the  stationary bike into my routine. The endorphine rush afterward, and watching my body bulk with  muscle I never had before is pleasure. At times I work out at home and practice yoga. Breathing  into my body and noticing my strength in postures directly impacts my self-esteem and belief in  myself. Do hard things. The experience of pleasure is soft, but the getting there involves hard  work.  

Every day I have homework or schoolwork to do or that I could be doing. I make a list of  realistic goals at the beginning of the day. This isn’t a set in stone list. You need days to put an  assignment off and watch TV instead. That doesn’t mean turn in an assignment late. But do you  need to start that paper tonight, which is due in a week? Maybe not. Deciding to take a break is  pleasure. Deciding to power through assignments and check them off from your to-do list?  Pleasure! There is no more incredible feeling than submitting a problematic assignment or acing  a complicated exam.  

And yes. Masturbate. Sexual pleasure with myself, I’ve struggled with. I’ve always been  orgasmic, but I’ve had the same shame experience that it seems no woman escapes. How that  manifests for me is that I will quickly masturbate and go about my day. It takes a herculean effort  to lie down, get out the almond, the barbell, and take my time. I’m in school to be a nurse. I’m 

working part time as well. There’s never enough time in the day. There are house chores and  grocery shopping to be done. Women never drop the do list and think there will be a magical  time when the do list is empty. The to-do list is never empty. There will always be another task  that could occupy your time.  

Pleasure encourages us to be soft. To drop the hustle and bustle. An orgasm is a moment  of pure bliss, yes, but also total present moment awareness. How often are we acutely aware of  the present moment? If an orgasm is the only time you are presently aware of your surroundings  in a given day, I think you’ve won that day. That’s how I’ve come to see it. And it’s what I would  tell a younger me who took her orgasms for granted and rushed the entire process. I would tell  her that pleasure is soft, like a favorite fleece sweater or the warmth of bath water. I would tell  her to sit longer with her cat on her lap instead of rushing off to do the next task. I would say to  her that pleasure is hard won and that her effort in school leads to pleasure. Power, pain, and joy  are interwoven in our lives and daily struggles. All roads lead to pleasure. 

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