I Thought Was Too Much

By Date Published

I Thought Was Too Much

By Carlin Ross

Published October 9, 2024

“You’re a gay man trapped in a woman’s body”, announced my boyfriend as he grabbed my upper arms and forcibly pushed me off of his body.  I was stunned….and hurt.  I thought it would be sexy to crawl up his body like a cat and lick his face.  He didn’t agree.  It was tense.  It was uncomfortable.  Our relationship was over.
 
This was the first in a long-list of relationship-ending moments.  I kept hitting up on the myth that men had greater sexual potential, that they were the initiators.  And I just didn’t learn or maybe I was waiting for the “right” partner who would match my energy. 
 
It felt like I never said or did the right thing, that there was this unspoken code that I didn’t understand.  I was too much and everyone in my life knew it.  Eyes rolled…throats were cleared…I had a scarlet letter on my chest.  Once you’re branded as the “other kind of woman” there’s no going back.
 
I spent my 30s having affairs with powerful men.  Believe it or not – it was safe.  There was no judgment.  They celebrated my sensuality.  I didn’t feel guilty because I was never going to ask them to leave their wives.  Maybe that’s why it felt so liberating – none of the rules applied because we would never be known.  Taboo is very powerful.  I lived in the shadows and felt that I had want I needed: great sex and friendship. 
 
One day I wanted more.  I wanted to come out into the light.  I didn’t want to feel like I didn’t deserve to be in a real relationship.  I wanted to have a family.  How would I get there?  How would I integrate my sexual self with my whole being? 
 
Then I met Betty Dodson and we flew off to Copenhagen to run our first Bodysex workshop.  I was forever changed.  We came back and filmed the documentary and relaunched the workshops in New York. 
 
It was so healing to be in rooms filled with female sexual energy.  During erotic recess, we would ride orgasm waves for an hour or two – all of us.  It was so clear that women have greater sexual potential….that the culture employs guilt, shame, trauma and the double standard to break us and make us the second sex.  Without question, we are the first. 
 
In the circle, there was no judgment or dominance just joy and fun and lightheartedness.  Orgasms gave us energy – cleared our minds and connected our souls.  It was everything I ever wanted from a partner and more.  Without Bodysex, I never would have become a mother.  I never would have come out into the light to speak my truth and the truth of all womankind. 
 
I am a sexual being PERIOD.  I am a wife PERIOD. I am a mother PERIOD. 
 
Thank you, Betty Dodson for modeling a sex positive lifestyle full of love and laughter and generosity. 
Carlin Ross

Carlin Ross

New York, NY

Carlin was Betty’s business partner for 10 years.

She is the “keeper of all things Betty Dodson.”

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