“You have the most sophisticated sex organ on the planet capable of endless pleasure that never ages”.
I repeat this mantra in workshops, private sessions, and all our videos. And, when the words escape my lips, I see the same look of disbelief flood the face of every woman sitting across from me. How can this be? If it were true, then why can’t I connect to pleasure and have a fucking orgasm?
I’ve never worked with a woman who blamed anyone but themselves for their inability to orgasm on command after 5 minutes of stimulation. The common refrain: “I’m broken….it takes me so long…I just can’t surrender”. Channeling my inner Betty – its all crap.
Pleasure evades us for two interwoven reasons: our bodies are not our own and our time isn’t either. I believe in one truth: absolute dominion over one’s body. We have the right to spend an hour touching ourselves in complete solitude to fully know ourselves. Betty divined that – she hit her stride at 40 when she went within by fully discovering herself through orgasm. My favorite chapter in her memoir is “Celibate Priestess”.
After exploring the orgy scene during the Sexual Revolution, Betty decided to only have sex with herself. On Saturday nights, she would set up her living room with candles and mirrors – all her implements of pleasure and dance, vibrate, touch, and view her body for hours. This is how she developed her masturbation techniques like the Rock n Roll. She was the source of her sexual arousal. And what an amazing concept: I can go within and create sex energy anytime I want on my own terms.
Maybe women struggle with desire because we’re conditioned to look outward for arousal and love. Maybe it can be as simple as looking inward for validation. Maybe this socially created need for acceptance is what undermines our relationships as well as our orgasm.
No one suffers under the weight of the Protestant work ethic like women. We multitask round the clock – running businesses with a baby on our hip throwing a quiche in the oven. Our time belongs to the family and to the culture….and our time is not monetized or valued. That’s demoralizing and creates this endless cycle of overachievement and repressed sexual energy. This manifests as pain in our vulvas, migraines, Lichen sclerosus, painful penetration, inability to orgasm during partner sex…dare I say hysteria.
Orgasm takes time. On average, women need 14 minutes of stimulation to have their first orgasm and 28 minutes to have a full-body orgasm. We need practice to discover our preferences. There are so many erogenous zones on the vulva – so many different ways to stimulate our internal clitoris that it is a process of trial and error. We need time to explore and try things out without a ticking clock. We need privacy. We need to believe that our bodies exist for our pleasure and our pleasure alone.
That starts with touch on a regular basis as children. Respect for our sexual development requires privacy and non-judgment. We need to learn about the diversity of vulvas and the complexity of the female model of sexual response – most importantly, how different it is than the male model of sexual response. We need the time and space to connect to our bodies without the pressure of the male gaze and the endless pursuit of beauty. Our connection to the body is the source of our self-esteem. This empowers us to prioritize our pleasure and run the fuck when we move forward to partner sex.
How many pointless Netflix episodes did you watch during lockdown? Wouldn’t you have benefited more from stroking your vulva and seeing how much pleasure you can experience, how far you can take your body. That is the ultimate self-knowledge and, if men could have multiple orgasms, they’d never leave the house.
Whether you believe we were created or evolved – we have the most sophisticated sex organ on the planet capable of endless pleasure that never ages – that tells me that pleasure is important, it serves a purpose. As women, we must believe this to fully connect to the sensations in our bodies. We must come from abundance.
Orgasm is a reflex. If I stimulate my body in the right way for the right amount of time, I will have an orgasm. For me, orgasm is a coping skill – a way to push out all the stress and trauma of life out of my central nervous system.
You are enough. Know that every time you reach down and touch your vulva, you’re chipping away at the layers of shame that hold us back. There’s no bigger fuck you to the patriarchy then touching our bodies simply because it feels good. Creating a daily ritual of touch is enough to start your journey to orgasm.
Making time for pleasure is absolutely the hardest part of becoming orgasmic. This is why Bodysex works. We’ve dedicated time to pursue pleasure with the supportive energy of an orgasmic women guiding us to ourselves. If I pull my hand away from my vulva or question how long it’s taking or get in my head, I’m reminded to keep going. My guide is watching my body and noting how I respond to different types of stimulation. She is supporting my pleasure by keeping me going – teaching me how to stimulate my body according to my preferences.
Here are some guided audio podcasts to get your started:
