Bodysex reminded me of how significant masturbation is and what it means to stay intimate with my own body. As a married and sexually active woman, I still enjoy that self love and attention. Over the past decade or so, we’ve witnessed an increase in societal promotion of self-care. Rightfully so — it’s essential to a healthy lifestyle and positive relationships. “Me time” seems to be encouraged with a number of options to fill that space: exercising, a spa day, time out with friends, a gift that’s nonessential to yourself — the list is endless and all encouraged to bring other measures of joy. And they do. I love engaging in everything mentioned, but nothing resonates quite like the quality of attention to my most genuine physical pleasure. 

By masturbating on a regular basis, I’ve rediscovered a greater joy and appreciation for all other pleasures in my life. My marriage to my husband and our sexual intimacy are better for it. Family and platonic relationships are better for it, as well. By giving deliberate attention to physically raising myself up through full-body orgasm on a daily basis, I approach all avenues of my life and relationships from a more self-fulfilled perspective. It’s like walking through life with rosy orgasm-colored glasses on. Not to say I don’t also have lower moments, we all do. But self-induced orgasms through deliberate masturbation add more color into every life experience: good, bad, or indifferent. 

As for actual consistency of practice, I masturbate as often as I can: mornings, mid-day, and/or evenings — any opportunity I can get. For example, even when running errands on the weekend, I typically carry a smaller vibrator in my purse. A quiet moment sitting in the car in an isolated area of a parking lot is a fantastic time to raise my mood with a quick orgasm. Those few minutes of focused breathing and decompression while my vibrator stimulates my clitoris through the thin layer of fabric that my skirt or pants provide — it can make the difference between a relaxed and focused shopping trip versus one that might be stressful and disorganized. 

The most essential time in my masturbation practice would be at night. I usually start prior to my husband coming to bed. Other times, he’s right there with eager and attentive eyes, curious to see how it plays out from the start to my celebratory finish. And then there are other times where it’s just me attending, whether it be due to travel or fatigue. I enjoy having my husband involved with my masturbation practice but am just as comfortable with my own company during this time.

I like to start with just touching myself; tracing my fingers over the outline of my labia, gently pulling them and my pubic hair, using my index and middle fingers to make an upside-down V to open my vulva and to softly rub back and forth across my clitoral shaft. By giving my body this introductory period, it sets my mind on track for what’s to come. 

I am most comfortable masturbating once fully clean, which typically means I start my soft touch awakening while lying in a bathtub. Out of the tub, I’ll add almond oil to my vulva and continue what I like to call “butterfly touch” because it literally can be that gentle. I run my fingertips over the edges and folds of my vulva, and then gently tug or tap on the shaft of my clitoris, like a little wakeup call. This, combined with the clenching and relaxing of my pelvic floor; all is like the equivalent of walking slowly into a refreshing pool while your body adjusts to the temperature (as opposed to immediately jumping in with the straight cannonball move of vibe on clit). Betty called it “preheating the oven,” which is another great analogy. I like for my body to experience every intention; by giving it the opportunity to feel through every step, I am setting myself up for a better experience.

Once ready and craving the next steps of heavier stimulation, I use a vibrator on my vulva and clitoris. To describe it more precisely, I like to press my vibrator on the left side of my vulva and hold it in place over all of the area together, pinning my clitoris and everything included to the opposite side with my labia helping to protect from too much direct stimulation. Also, I like to use a waterproof blanket underneath me. It doesn’t have to cover the entire bed, just something directly under my bottom half. For me, it’s vital to my/our daily masturbation/intercourse practice because nothing can kill orgasm potential like the lingering thought of additional laundry.  

Speaking of thoughts, at this point I am also typically deep into a sexual fantasy, which is another important tool for my fully orgasmic arousal. This is the case even when my husband is participating — I am involved and connected with him but there are typically a few racy thoughts running through my head, which without shame or guilt often include others (I’ve never asked but feel fairly certain he probably does the same). 

Practicing regularly, I can take anywhere from (less than) 10 minutes to (more than) 30 minutes to peak into orgasm, with the amount of time usually dependent upon where my head is when starting. Any extra time needed is far more for my mind to settle into what’s happening than it is for what’s necessary for my body to get there. 

During masturbation, it’s also common for me to go through short stages of stretching and relaxation while continuing to stimulate my clit. My back and neck muscles start to show signs of tension that weren’t previously apparent, so I’ll move my head, neck, and body around to release the tension, all the while continuing with deep breaths, soft moans, and exhales.

Another body relaxing process that naturally occurs — I will often have small tears slowly flowing. Not like an intentional cry but more so just another means where my body is fully letting go of what I’ve been carrying throughout the day so that I can achieve the level of relaxation needed to build up to orgasm. My husband is now familiar with these relaxation techniques and supports me through them by remaining quiet and unapprehensive about what is occurring (or about the amount of time it might take for me to get through these). I always appreciate his support and interest; nothing says, “I love you,” from a partner like, “let me see exactly how you love you” and without a time limit attached. A great deal can be learned by both partners who have this level of patience with each other and themselves, and who are willing to share in the practice. Due to my comfort level of masturbating in front of him, my husband is also open and equally comfortable with masturbating with or for me. It has become an enjoyable part of our lovemaking.

For vaginal penetration, my preference is to have an external/clitoral orgasm first. By doing so, it takes the newly added sensation of being filled up vaginally to another level of pleasure and can make it easier for me to orgasm again and again during intercourse. But as long as I am lubricated with almond oil and have had a moment to wake everything up with touch, I’m also comfortable with having intercourse once my husband is ready and charged. Either way, typically after intercourse, I will return to my clitoral stimulation with vibe for more pleasure. Whether I had an orgasm or not, I’m always eager to continue while aroused to achieve more. (At that point, the orgasms start to become like M&M’s, who wants to stop at just one)? 

Ultimately, I feel like the keys to my successful masturbation practice include: being open and without shame, taking every opportunity I can to give myself an orgasm, and allowing myself full permission to move at the pace needed to get there. Time spent to mentally, emotionally, and physically achieve a real and genuine full-body orgasm is the best “me time” I can ever think of gifting myself.

Naomi is currently in training as a Bodysex Coach. 

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