• Q-tips – when I was in early elementary school, this was more exploration than turn on.

• Tampons – When organic tampons came on the market I only bought those. And once, I got some organic ones from Target and took them on a trip to a remote location in Arizona, far from any stores that would carry anything but a brand I wouldn’t want to use. The unfamiliar tampons filled up quicker than my normal ones so I was blowing through them. My friends who were with me told me about menstrual cups and when I got home I bought one, committed to learning to use it, and never looked back.

• My own fingers as a teenager discovering my body. I’d put a finger or two inside and explore the silky folds. Though I have long fingers, I didn’t have a good technique so it was more investigation than pleasure.

• I allowed others’ fingers inside me in high school, but the boys I was exploring with had no technique, so while it was titillating it was also nowhere near skillful.

• A banana with a condom on it

• A zucchini with a condom on it

• A cucumber with a condom on it

• A carrot with a condom on it – I’m sure there’s a carrot out there that’s the right shape but I never found it

• I was a horny high schooler who could barely go a day without masturbating. And I wasn’t exploring much with anyone but myself. Before I had access to toys, I put a tampon with its cardboard applicator inside me and walked around my house then masturbated in the bathroom, throwing the whole tampon down the toilet when I was done.

• A vibrating multi-colored ink squiggle pen – one of my siblings got this as a gift and I quickly stashed it in my room to use later. It turned out the thought of it had been more exciting than the reality.

• Lovers’ hands – not at the same time and not as big as my own large hands.

• Many penises of all different shapes and sizes that were attached to their person. Some were so small I couldn’t feel them inside of me even when I clenched hard, and others were so large I couldn’t be on top, most were in between.

• Many tongues attached to their person – a tongue inside feels “meh,” to me because while their dexterity is nice, they just aren’t long enough.

• Yeast infection cream with plastic applicator

• BV cream with applicator

• Pap smear swabs

• Suppositories from the healthfood store to restore vaginal flora

• DNC equipment for the abortion I had at 20

• Tenaculum during the abortion and initial inseminations

• Small silicone dildos

• Medium silicone dildos

• Large silicone dildos

• Glass dildos and wands of various shapes – I want to like glass toys more than I do. They lack the weight of stainless steel and stone, which I prefer.

• Dildos shaped like things other than penises from brands like Bad Dragon

• A Diva cup – this cup brand doesn’t fit my anatomy very well and my first attempts at using a menstrual cup were messy.

• A Lunette menstrual cup – this one fits me better than the Diva

• An off-brand menstrual cup from the co-op – purchased in an emergency because I misplaced the Lunette cup

• Coconut oil- infused suppositories I made with chaparral (that I gathered myself in Arizona) to treat the abnormal cells found on my cervix. I’ve had normal pap smears ever since. Please let me know if you’d like the protocol I followed to accomplish this.

• Apple cider vinegar mixed with water inserted with silicone and plastic douche. 1-2 tablespoons of apple cider vinegar and water mixture kills bacteria and is a great general treatment for vaginal flora disruption. Here’s the treatment I’ve landed on: vinegar/filtered water douche to kill the bad flora followed a couple hours later by a plain whole milk yogurt/water douche (1-2 tablespoons whisked into filtered water), repeated twice a day until the infection is gone, which you can tell by the smell and feel. This has worked better than all over-the-counter and prescription treatments for both for yeast infections and BV.

• Yogurt mixed with water inserted with silicone and plastic douche – did you know that the healthy vaginal bacteria are the same bacteria as in yogurt?

• Stainless steel speculums by doctors or NPs

• Fingers of various NPs and doctors. I’ve only ever allowed practitioners with vulvas and they have always told me when they’re going to put their fingers inside

• Plastic speculums, used by my wife when we were inseminating

• IUI, ICI inseminate material of two different donors

• Cannulas for monthly inseminations

• A jade egg

• A rose quartz egg

• An obsidian egg

• An amethyst egg

• A larger granite egg

• Ben wa balls

• Betty’s Barbell

• Njoy crescent-shaped urethral sponge wand – yum!

• Njoy Eleven stainless steel dildo – this toy is no joke. I have to go slow and she’s not an everyday dildo, for me at least

• Rose quartz yoni wand

• Smokey quartz yoni wand

• Obsidian yoni wand

A list of things that were put inside my vagina that I didn’t agree to or give consent for: 

• That hot guy’s penis when I was passed out drunk in his bed and awoke being penetrated by. For years I told myself it was my fault for passing out and I didn’t call it rape. It was the reflection of someone else upon hearing my story that allowed me to name this for what it was.

• Whatever scraping tool is used for a biopsy of the cervix. My primary care doc at the time told me a colposcopy was where a specialist looked at the cervix through a microscope. She did not tell me that I would be cut or how painful it would be. Had I known, I could’ve planned accordingly by taking some ibuprofen beforehand and mentally/emotionally/physically being ready to experience the deep weird pain of having my cervix cut at. Instead, I got off the exam table feeling violated and cramping in pain as I put my pants back on. The front desk was ready to schedule a LEAP before I left the office. When I told them I knew abnormal cervical cells grew very slowly and that I wanted three months to try another treatment first, they all but rolled their eyes at me. And when I checked back and reported the great news, that what I’d tried worked and I didn’t need a LEAP after all, they kicked me out of their care, and told me they couldn’t support my healthcare decisions. Even when I said, “But what I did worked. Don’t you want to know how I did it?” They weren’t interested.

This list has been validating to make and then read. It is a layered story, beautiful in its simplicity, and complex in ways that are empowering and healing to see on the page. And from it I can feel other stories arising, including opinions and feelings my vagina has about the various things she’s experienced and the wisdom she has to share. My vagina is and has been a source of many pivotal growth points of my life.

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