Do sexual preferences change with age? Absolutely, and mine are proof. This is how my sexual desires evolved decade by decade.

Discovering My Sexual Preferences

Sexual preferences aren’t fixed. I notice how mine shifted with time, partners, body changes, and life experience. Each decade taught me something new about my body, my needs, and my capacity for pleasure.

My 20s: Fear and Safe Sex

In my 20s, I went to a religious college and was terrified of getting pregnant. That fear shaped my sex life more than I realized at the time. My “safe zone” became oral sex. Because there was no penetration, I didn’t even consider it “real sex.” I trained my body to orgasm from fingers and tongues, and that became my comfort zone.

Looking back, I see how limited my definition of sex was; because, yes, oral sex is sex. But at the time, thinking it wasn’t sex, it felt safer and easier. Also, I could relax into oral pleasure without pregnancy anxiety hijacking my arousal. My partners seemed happy with our oral sex arrangement, and I got really good at receiving and giving oral pleasure. After a decade, I found oral sex most enjoyable lying flat on my back or sitting on my lover’s face, not in a car, against the wall, or on a couch.

The irony is that by avoiding penetration entirely, I never learned how my vagina responded to different sensations. I was so focused on staying safe that I missed opportunities to explore my full range of pleasure. I was more about managing fear than pursuing pleasure.

My 30s: Chasing Orgasms

By my 30s, I dipped more into penetration, but it left me disappointed. I was always racing toward orgasm, and penetration alone rarely delivered.

If I had a partner skilled at cunnilingus, I’d retreat to my tried-and-true preference of receiving oral sex. One boyfriend in particular tried to “do it right” with the combo of penetration and clit stimulation, but it felt overstimulating. I asked him to stick to oral only, and that became our rhythm.

We had a ritual: lying naked, feeling the warmth of his body against mine, syncing our breathing, then kissing. We moved into mutual oral sex with me as the main focus. He was generous (30+ minutes), and I came first every time before any penetration. Only years later, after Bodysex training, did I realize what he was trying to do was correct. I just didn’t know how to receive it. I was so attached to my oral-only preference that I couldn’t explore new combinations of pleasure. I missed my chance back then, but at least now I can laugh about it and give a nod to his sex skills.

Not all of his invitations landed well, though. For months, he kept inviting me to the sex party scene. I was so self-conscious about my size 18 body, so I always declined the offer. But one night, I crossed my boundary and attended the party. We had sex. I left the room to freshen up and, when I returned, he was pounding a Barbie girl. I watched him have sex with someone else. It crushed my heart. In hindsight, I see I wasn’t ready for that experience. He was more sexually experienced and sex positive than I was, and what felt playful to him left me devastated. For a decade after that, sex parties were a definite no. Only now, in my 40s, do I feel open to them again with a very different sense of self and readiness.

My 40s: Longer Sessions, Scheduled Pleasure

Now in my 40s, I crave long sex sessions. Quickies leave me frustrated, like I’ve got lady blue balls, lol.  So I block time for sex and self-pleasure the same way I’d schedule a workout or a therapy session.

Instead of thinking of scheduled sex as boring or rigid, I see it as nourishment. Sex feeds my erotic self, keeps me connected to my body, and allows me to show up fuller in life. Longer sessions also let me explore my preferences with curiosity instead of pressure.

I’ve discovered I need at least 20-30 minutes of vulva massage and clitoral stimulation before any penetration feels good. This isn’t negotiable anymore. I communicate this clearly to my partner, and I take responsibility for my pleasure by bringing vibrators, lube, and anything else I need.

I wonder how my needs and preferences will change as I shift into menopause in a few years. Today, if I never invited another penis inside me, I’d still feel fully satisfied with tongues, fingers, and vibrators. That’s how much I trust myself to lean into preferences as they rise.

Of course, not all of this learning happened in isolation. Alongside my solo exploration, my lovers, past and present, shaped what I enjoyed, what I avoided, and how I eventually found the confidence to speak up..

How Partners Shaped My Preferences

Many of my preferences came from partner suggestions or shared creativity. One lover suggested anal play, so we experimented with his penis and butt plugs. I found anal play best after a couple of orgasms, so my body relaxed. Another lover enjoyed hair-pulling and a firm throat grip just shy of choking. One lover spanked me so damn good. And I lose it when someone can talk dirty and describe what they plan to do to me; the flirty anticipation energy feels deliciously naughty.

I enjoyed these preferences, but every lover has different skills, and not every lover can do these things well. Exploration has taught me not to cling to one “right” way. Every moment asks for something different. Staying playful and eating off both sides of the sexual menu matters more to me than sticking to a script.

I also get inspiration from friends and other sex coaches. A coach friend once told me she’d grown bored of spanking her vulva during self-pleasure, so I tried it. To my surprise, I loved the sensation. On the flip side, I had a partner who was too aggressive with nipple play, which shut me down.  That taught me to be specific, and now I use lube on my nipples so nipple touch feels pleasurable instead of painful.

How My Body Size Affects Sexual Preferences

My preferences also shift with my body size and comfort. In a larger body, I love doggy style because my belly isn’t in the way. When I’m mid-size or with a smaller partner, I enjoy being on top. These aren’t limitations but adaptations that honor my body at every size.

One thing I’ve learned about myself? Porn isn’t for me. Watching others perform pulls me into comparison, and I end up wondering “am I doing it right” or “her tits, ass, vulva looks better than mine.” I end up in my head, and I’d rather stay present with my body, my partner, or my solo self pleasure practice. My arousal comes from touch, music, and rhythmic breathing, not visual stimulation.

But knowing what I liked was only half the battle. Learning how to say it out loud took even longer.

Learning to Communicate Sexual Desires

Communicating what I like hasn’t always been easy. In my younger years, I stayed quiet, afraid of sounding demanding or high-maintenance. I’d hope partners would magically figure out what worked, then feel disappointed when they didn’t.

Now, I’m much more direct. I can say “spank me” or “oil your fingers” without guilt. I can request what I need: “give me 20 minutes for self-pleasure warm-up, then let’s play ” or “my knee needs a quick break.” That confidence grew from practice, first with myself, then in Bodysex circles, and finally in my relationships.

The shift happened when I stopped seeing my preferences as demands and started seeing them as information. I’m not being difficult when I share what works. I’m being helpful. Partners want to please me, and clear communication helps them succeed.

What I Wish Other Women Knew

Your preferences are not set in stone. They shift with time, partners, body changes, and life experiences. What lit you up in your 20s might feel dull in your 30s. What felt off-limits once might feel delicious later. Every “yes” and every “hard no” teaches you something about yourself.

As I reflect on how my sexual preferences shifted, I believe that change isn’t a failure, it’s the whole point of the journey. The point isn’t to collect perfect techniques. It’s to stay curious. To treat your body as a living, changing landscape instead of a problem to solve. You deserve to play, experiment, and discover what turns you on – at this age, in this body. Whether you’re 22 or 72, your desires are valid and worth exploring. So be kind to yourself. Find what feels good and ride the waves of pleasure.

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