I’ve always been orgasmic.

My parents didn’t get the memo that I should be discouraged from touching my vulva as a child. I remember exploring my genitals as a preschooler. It felt good. When hormones brought me orgasms at puberty, I masturbated multiple times a day. My flutter technique with my fingers on either side of my clitoral shaft was effective and reliable. My natural sexual development wasn’t interrupted. I developed strong neural pathways between the nerves in my clitoral system and my brain.

I remember a time when I was around 15 years old. I was lost in pleasure, building up to an orgasm. I didn’t hear footsteps coming up the stairs. My mom called my name as she entered the open door to my bedroom. I opened my eyes to see her standing next to my bed. I immediately moved my hands off my vulva and sat up, embarrassed. My mom immediately sat next to me and gave me a hug.

“It’s okay,” she said. “Just close the door next time so I don’t interrupt you.”

There was no shame or guilt. I was fortunate to have sex positive parents.

As I grew into adulthood, masturbation was still my primary source of orgasm. I had sex with a few partners and their fingers could bring me to orgasm most of the time. One partner introduced me to the Magic Wand which brought me a new technique for solo orgasms too. I never relied exclusively on a partner for my pleasure.

I enjoyed my orgasms. They were short and quick with a lot of tension. I felt proud that I could orgasm quickly most of the time. Sometimes I’d get stuck in my head and had trouble “going over the edge.”  I’d end feeling frustrated without an orgasm.

Everything changed for the better after my first Bodysex workshop at age 57. I connected with my body. I learned how to use tension and relaxation. I explored different techniques. I expanded my capacity for pleasure. I developed an informed masturbation practice.

Before Bodysex, orgasm was the goal when I masturbated. If it didn’t happen quickly, I chased the orgasm. Chasing the orgasm usually ended in frustration. The harder I tried to orgasm, the more I got into my head. It felt like I was trying to catch a bus that sped up as I ran after it.

“Let the orgasm come to you.”

This was the best advice I got from Carlin. She says it while demonstrating the Rock and Roll video in the “My Orgasm” series.

How did I learn to stop chasing the orgasm and let it come to me? It took self-knowledge, awareness and practice.

Whenever I felt too much tension in my body and heard my mind making orgasm the goal, I’d turn off the vibrator and stop. I’d breath deeply and stretch out my body to relax. I’d clear my mind. I’d put my hand on my vulva and give her a hug. I’d start again with the vibrator on low and move it all over my body as I continued to breath. Then I’d squeeze and release my pelvic floor muscles – tension and relaxation. Then I moved the vibrator to my vulva, focusing on the pleasurable feelings. I focused on the sensations in my body. Mindful and in the moment, accepting whatever came up for me without pushing for more.

Once during an Erotic Recess in a workshop, I realized that I was chasing the orgasm. To change my approach, I fantasized that I was at a bus stop, masturbating while reclined on the bench. I saw the bus in the distance coming toward me slowly. I took my time, knowing that the bus would reach my stop. That visualization helped me trust that the orgasm would come to me. I didn’t have to chase it. I had a huge orgasm.

Time and practice helped me shift my mindset. It made all the difference in the quality of my orgasm. These days, I prefer to stay on the edge of orgasm without going over. I can extend the ecstasy in pleasure. Sometimes, I’m almost disappointed that I’ve orgasmed. The pleasurable feelings on the journey to orgasm are often the best part.

I’d tell my younger self, “Trust your body. Let the orgasm come to you.”

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