How do I feel about my body? How do I feel about my orgasm?
These two questions always bring my attention and focus right into the exact current moment I’m experiencing. Bringing my focus to how I feel right now in the moment serves to help me understand what my needs currently are and what the best way to meet them is. While these questions are normally answered in the opening part of a Bodysex Workshop I think I would like to begin asking myself them each morning. A sort of morning mantra that gets my focus on the experience of my body as well as my present relationship with pleasure.
Today when I set and ask my self “How do I feel about my body?” I feel immense gratitude for everything my body is capable of doing. Alongside gratitude comes mourning, I feel sad for the day to day moments I am ignorant of my bodies existence, the way at times I can just move through an entire day existing from only the neck up. There are days when I fail to notice what my body has been telling me all day, and my initial thought is that “I just didn’t feel tired, hungry, thirsty etc.”, but that isn’t the actual reality. My reality is that I seldom take the time to quiet my mind and just hold space to listen to what my body is saying. Again I’m left with gratitude, that despite this neglect I fall into at times my body is still there for me everyday, nurturing and caring for me constantly.
While I have had a body my entire life, my orgasm has only supported me since the age of 17. The first time I ever had penetrative sex was when I had my first orgasm. I loved all the sexual activity I’d been having previous to that experience but after having an orgasm I was hooked. Orgasms were so nice and fun and new I just couldn’t get enough. From 17 until I was 31, all my orgasms were only happening during partnered activity with the exception of about five. I was starving myself sexually because I wasn’t yet ready to confront all of the patriarchal conditioning within myself about self pleasure. I was ashamed to masturbate, thinking that doing so defined me as desperate and less than which left me dependent on partners. Not only was I dependent, but I also kept them from getting more pleasure than me, giving labels like “sex addict” and “porn addict” to my husband all to avoid undoing the mess of tangled patriarchal lies within myself. These years were excruciating at times.
Thankfully I found bodysex and have learned and unlearned so much from this community. Betty lived a life that gave me permission to masturbate and love doing so. Now not only am I a frequent and proud masturbator, but I’m in charge of my own sexuality. My pleasure comes on my terms and my husbands comes on his own terms. No longer am I blaming other people for not wanting me enough or wanting me too much. Instead I focus on what I can give and do for myself. I am finally self-first. Self induced orgasms have given not only me liberation, but also my relationship, and my husband as an individual as well. I can say with one hundred percent positivity that I feel immense gratitude for my orgasms, they heal me, they energize me, they relax me, they are me.
Reading back on what I’ve just written I can see clearly that I feel grateful not only for all that my body is but gratitude for all that my body can do. Gratitude is the antithesis to loathing. When I’m feeling gratitude, it’s big, and warm and comforting, there’s no room for disgust, dislike, or hatred. Gratitude builds appreciation, devotion and love for my body and pleasure, which is everything they unconditionally deserve.
