I signed up for a bodysex workshop after chatting with one of the facilitators. I chose her specifically because she is a plus sized woman. I figure if she is comfortable in her own skin and being a sexual being then maybe, just maybe, there is hope for me. I like the idea of the bodysex workshop being held in a circle as I have experienced the healing power of plant medicine circles in the past. It is like my soul is calling me to a sacred women’s circle where the rituals give permission for me to bare all, including nudity.

  Then the excite-dreads hit me and it feels like I am vomiting terror and sweating beads of shame. The shame and terror feel like they are ricocheting off of my excitement and curiosity. What will it be like to sit in a circle of nude women? Where the soul purpose is to experience pleasure and self love.

I peak into the ceremony space, it is beautiful. I feel surreal, a bit floaty. I find my place and I ground myself. OK, What’s Here? What’s Now? Ok:   I can feel my butt on my back jack, I can feel the softness of my towel. I see the light shining through the window and feel the sun warming the room.  I feel waves of sorrow as grief also accompanies me on this adventure. I long for those with whom I most dearly want to share in my journey, my mom, long since passed and my beloved mentor.

It is my turn to share. How do you feel about your body? I am definitely squirming in my seat, took a deep breathe and say, I hate having such a fat waist. Surprisingly there was no echoes or concurring voices in my head or in the room. As the other women held space for this critical part so could I.  I feel more compassion for my belly and when I find myself criticizing her, I gently caress my belly and send her love.

I rarely share what parts of my body I love, in fear, that I will be judged as arrogant. So now is my chance, somebody is actually asking me about my body. I love muscles and at 60 I still have strong, muscular arms and legs. I feel my confidence and power as I raise my arms in a body builders pose to demonstrate.  As I delight in my body, I feel a warm glow radiating from my core filling me.

Next question, how do you feel about your orgasm? I struggled to keep my head up and look around at the women in the circle. Ah, yes, a shaming part has shown up. I know you well. I took a breath. “I love my orgasm.” Truth be told I super love my orgasm and refuse to live without her. So, freeing to share my forbidden secret that I love sexual pleasure.  I hear no gasps, no sounds of shock or disgust, the shaming part lifts and all I feel is acceptance. I am an orgasmic woman who enjoys her pleasure.

Out of my head and into my body is so challenging. My mind does what a mind does taking me into the past and into the future, but, rarely into this present moment. The bodysex rituals: guided vulva massage, guided masturbation keeps my mind occupied, and I am able to explore the parts of my vulva that give me pleasure with little or no shame. When a shaming part shows up, I tune into the guides voice and listen to sounds of sexual pleasure in the room. This gives me permission to continue exploring the pleasures in my body.

What I cherish about my bodysex experience is the unshackling of my body from shame. The uncoupling of the shame associated with my desire and enjoyment of sexual pleasure/masturbation. Wow, how marvelous my heart is dancing. So, I am lubing up, turning on sultry music, grabbing my favorite vibrator and dildo for a life time of pleasure.

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