This blog post was really hard for me to write. but here goes nothing, or everything rather.

I still struggle with competition and envy between women, but for me it often shows up less like jealousy and more like disconnection. 

When a woman feels “put together”, I often lose access to her. I can feel myself place her above me, and in that moment I no longer know how to approach her as an equal. This is especially true in moments and phases of my life when I haven’t been taking great care of myself. Even when I can and want to say “hell yeah go girl, body is tea” I don’t know how to say it, I’m worried I’ll come off weird because I’ve placed myself lower than her. 

Part of this is about resources. There is a layer in me that equates being well styled or polished with belonging somewhere I don’t fully belong, or knowing something I don’t know. Along with that comes the fear that others will notice I don’t belong there. Or worse yet that I tried to fit in, but everyone can tell I shouldn’t be there. I’ve experienced this since grade school, when everyone was wearing way more popular brands than me. All the way up to now seeing college girls putting together an effortless gym look that I can not figure out how to make work on my body or with the pieces I have. 

At the same time, I sometimes feel misread by others. I can be very open and friendly in conversation, but I don’t always know if that’s what people see first. I’m more than happy to tell others about the many times I’ve shit my pants and laugh the entire time I tell them. But I worry I don’t always get the opportunity to share my entire self because my appearance comes first in how I’m read. 

Both directions create distance. Either I feel below someone, or I feel unclear how I am being perceived, and in both situations connection becomes harder. Ya, the thing I crave the most, out the window.

My gratitude for Bodysex workshops grows as I write this because inside a workshop the envy quiets, the connection flourishes. I don’t fully understand why, but I experience more equality, more ease, and less comparison.  Of course there’s the nudity, all of us meeting in the same condition, human. The lack of men around, no body parts to polish, hide or contort. Actually for the first time we can fully explore how our body looks, smells, functions, etc without worry of the male gaze or worry of being sexualized. It’s truly a softening. 

The effects for me linger as well. After my best friend attended a Bodysex workshop with me we were able to let our guards down around each other more fully. I finally said “hey, I sometimes feel over or under done when going to things with women, wanna give each other a fit overview before hanging?” She felt the exact same way. That’s been amazing. If she wants to go no make up, no flare, we both do, and relish our comfy selves while out. If we wanna dress to the nines and go way out, we do, and we hype each other up the whole time. We also openly talk about bringing back up outfits if we feel like we made a style mistake and missed the mark for the event and want to change clothes and intensify or soften our look. 

I can’t say that I fully understand envy or competition between women. I only know that I move in and out of it, and am learning what interrupts it and what restores connection. Bodysex has been the only space where envy and comparison soften and deep connection feels more immediate. and I find myself wanting more of that in everyday life. 

I think that’s what I’m actually writing about here, not envy itself, but how easily connection between women can disappear, and how much I want it back.

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