Ugh, arousal even trying to think about my arousal, makes me groan and roll my eyes.  Who talks about such things. What the hell is arousal anyways? Arousal, desire, sex drive, libido all seem like a complex mumbo gumbo word problem.  Breathe, well in true nerd fashion,

I confess; I have a passion for physiology, so to understand arousal, I want to understand the physiology first. So, in a nutshell, arousal is a reflex, a physiological reaction to stimuli (touch, pressure, visual images, sound, thoughts) which is governed by the autonomic nervous system (sympathetic and parasympathetic) in tandem with hormones & neurotransmitters resulting in genital vascular dilation causing the erectile tissue to fill with blood resulting in genital engorgement and clitoral erection (L.  Marson, 20 Autonomic Regulation of Sexual Function, April 2011, pages 366-382, academic.oup.com)

Armed with my knowledge of arousal physiology, my mirror, a good light and my vibrator I set out to answer the following questions:  What does my arousal look like? What do I Feel when I am aroused? What am I thinking when I am aroused? What do I do to become aroused?  

 Secret:  I had never looked at my vulva up close and friendly like until I was prepping for my first BodySex circle in 2024.

What does my arousal look like?

So, before I start my vulva massage, I examine my vulva in the mirror I have placed between my legs. Well look at that, my outer labia are pillowy. My pinkish clit is visible as she sticks out from under her hood, my inner labia are pinkish and sleek. Next, I lube up with some almond oil and start my vulva massage.  I watch myself in the mirror, after about 10 minutes of massage I observe a deepening pink colour and engorgement of my inner labia, my clitoris becomes even more prominent and feels harder, as more blood flow comes into my genitals. So, this is what my arousal looks like.

What do I Feel when I am aroused?

Next, I take note of what I am feeling as I continue to massage my vulva. I feel my engorgement, then the tingling and warm sensations in my groin radiates up the center of my body to my nipples which have become harder, as my arousal increases. I feel like I need to urinate as my urethral sponge starts to fill, then my desire to be penetrated arrives. This sexual energy intensifies and I sense small electric like waves moving through my clitoris, labia, vaginal opening, perinium and spreading into my inguinal crease. I also notice my body has a slight musky aroma.

What am I thinking?

In order to support my arousal, I make a conscious decision, to have a sexual fantasy. Cause there is nothing like a racing worried mind (I won’t orgasm, I am taking too long, anxious, rage) to annihilate arousal. So, I replay different sexy scenes in my minds eye (I have been diligent, in building my sex fantasy library, like every human my mind likes variety and novelty). When my mind wonders, I intentionally bring it back to noticing what I am feeling in my body and my sexual fantasy.  At times I like to listen to erotica which supports heightening my arousal.

Side Bar: I use to worry that if I had to go pee, I would lose my arousal so I won’t go to the washroom. Well news, flash, woman don’t loose their arousal like men. It takes longer for our erectile tissue to fill (about 20 mins) and longer for the blood to leave. So that means, I can comfortably go to the washroom knowing I can return to pleasure without worrying about losing my arousal.

What do I do to become aroused? 

Attend to My Body

In my youth, I never paid much attention to body maintenance. I was active, fit and could easily orgasm.  Well, to my surprise and chagrin as I age, I need to attend to my vulva more. Nothing like a vulva (vagina & labia to be more specific) that feel like sandpaper to kill arousal. So, getting deliberate I started daily massaging in almond oil or coconut oil into my vulva. Also, I have found Hormone Replacement Therapy (HRT) helpful in maintaining more youthful genitals.

Decrease the Stressors and Increase the Sensual

The dominant stressor is having orgasm as the goal. This would lead me to tense up and try to push my way to orgasm. Yes, at times I would orgasm, however, more often than not, I would give myself a tension headache as well. So, following, Betty’s Dodson Bodysex model instructions, I took orgasm off the table and pleasure is now the goal. Now, I find I can enjoy the pleasant sensations of self touch, being and becoming aroused and all the sensations that come with that.

 I find I am pretty wired for sound most of the time. So, I deliberately need to slow my internal world down. I find playing classical music in the background calms my mind & brings me into relaxation as I head into my pleasure session. For more creature comforts, I even bought myself a bath lounge cushion so I can relax in the luxury of a warm bath in preparation of the sensations to come. Now for the final luxurious touch, I burn rose incense. The aroma delivers me into relaxation and inner peace.

Younger Self/Arousal Is Not Consent

 I would like to tell my younger self, that all girls/woman get aroused and that self -pleasure is a beautiful gift. However, I also want to clear up any of your lingering confusion, that sexual arousal might mean consent. It certainly does not.  Arousal is an autonomic response to stimuli whether that stimulus is welcomed or not. The mind can be vehemently rejecting sexual advances/being attacked, be confused/dissociated during sexual coercion, yet your body becomes aroused and you may feel your body has betrayed you. I state again to my younger self just because you are aroused it doesn’t mean you are consenting to anything. It just means you are aroused. Which is very confusing and neurologically overwhelming for such a young mind. Sending you compassion and praise for what you have endured and have over come. Also don’t fret, your arousal/orgasm may change over the years, however, with the proper attention, interventions (HRT, lubrication, vibrator) and deliberate action you can have a long life of sexual pleasure.

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