“Everything for you is effortless”, he snarled as I feverishly typed the last paragraph of my history paper due the next morning. Effortless? Did he not see the sweat on my upper lip or that I was wearing my waitress uniform trying to finish before a dinner shift?

Heartbroken, I looked up to meet his gaze, thinking I may have read it wrong, but there was the same face I’d seen a thousand times before…from my mother, sister, aunt, every friend I’ve ever had and now my husband. It was my old friend: envy. In that moment, our marriage was over. You can’t build a life with someone who is rooting for your failure. They can’t be the one making healthcare decisions if you fall into a coma.

For the record, I stayed another four years to finish my BA and JD which was a ton of fucking effort.

Envy has undermined most of my relationships. Everything would be going well…connection was strong…intimacy was building…then – wham – it all came crashing down. I spent years examining the how and why trying to game it out. I thought that if I was better looking, funnier, more generous, more accomplished…the closer I could get to perfection…I would be loved. Of course, it only made things worse.

My desire for validation created a self-fulfilling prophecy so I learned to recognize the moments before envy set in – the subtle tells that resentment was building.  Walking away – making myself scarce – became my coping skill. It was a lonely existence, but I learned to enjoy time with my thoughts. I became my own confidante and best friend.  

Then, I met Betty Dodson. I remember the look on her face as I set up the microphones for our interview. She was beaming with curiosity and genuine interest. There wasn’t a trace of envy on her face. At one point, she looked me dead in the eyes, pointed her finger at me and announced, “You have a quick mind”, and I was taken back. Did she really see me? Yes, she did, and she wasn’t put off by my intelligence. It turned her on.

When Betty reached her hand across the table and invited me to “go into business, shake on it, Ross”, my heart skipped a beat. I’d spent decades trying to bury my desire for connection and hope for something more. Suddenly, it all came rushing back, and I opened myself to Betty without reservation. I knew I could trust her. She knew that she could trust me. It was my first and greatest relationship – the type of connection that comes around once in a lifetime.

With Betty, I could say anything that popped into my mind; I could be completely unfiltered. There was no play for dominance in our conversation. There was no competition. It was an intellectual volley between respected equals. We fought for women’s sexual equality back-to-back.

Now I understand that the regard we had for each other was the foundation of the healing that happened in the workshops. So often women would say that we had the relationship everyone wanted because our interactions were so honest. It was pure joy…every circle.

When I think of Betty, I’m filled with gratitude. With her love, I was able to get married and become a mother. She made all the difference. You can have a non-romantic soul mate 50 years your senior who changes your life in the most extraordinary way.  

Here’s to recognizing each other and our talents. Here’s to keeping our hearts open to love because we never know when it will find us.

Carlin had the honor of working with Betty Dodson for 13 years and seeing her off the planet.

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