As I ground my pubic mound down onto my partners I could feel myself getting closer and closer to orgasm. Strangely enough at that same moment my mind began wandering and started to really focus in on the guy I’d recently begun befriending. I could see his face in my mind and just the fact that I thought about someone else during sex while being committed to a partner was enough to send me over the edge. I didn’t speak of it to my partner and felt immense shame at the infidelity I was sure I’d just committed in my head. I was not supposed to develop emotions for this guy, we were supposed to be friends only and I told my boyfriend at the time that’s all it would ever be. I hated that I had no control of what my body reacted to and no control was terrifying in the space of sexuality. I thought surely if I’m thinking about this I’ll eventually do it. If I accepted every thought I have, I could be more comfortable with carrying them out. If I carried out every thought I had I’ll end up a sex crazed cheating fiend that no one would could love and cherish. Puritanical fears that were instilled into me by society did an amazing job at training me to be the gatekeeper of exploring, loving and accepting my sexual self. The worst part was that I thought I was doing it to protect myself and instead I was cutting off my nose to spite my face. I wouldn’t see and understand that for years. 

I just opened the text it, it came through as a replaying clip of a woman having her labia licked and stretched. It had some text implying some sort of joke. Even though I was 18 this was the first I’d seen this kind of intense porn before. My dad should not be sending me these types of jokes to me especially considering the sexual abuse that occurred from him in my childhood. Instantly I was plagued with the fear that I’d think of this next time my partner performed oral on me. Sure enough a few weeks later as I laid back to enjoy oral from my partner there it was. My chest tightened and filled with panic, and anxiety. I wanted everything to stop but was sacred to say so because I thought I’d have to explain why and I barely understood why, let alone did I think I could put it into words at that time. I had no education of fantasy or sexuality really so I was terrified of what this popping into my head meant about me or my sexuality. 

I now understand that my first situation was a simple pleasure filled fantasy that society told me was wrong. I’ve since done a lot of work to unlearn the puritanical virginal myths our society out on women. I’ve learned that thinking doesn’t mean doing or intention to do. Fantasizing means nothing about who I am. Fantasizing doesn’t mean that my sexuality is out of control and that I’ll act out every fantasy. I learned if I allow my fantasies I won’t become a crazy insatiable sex fiend like I feared. What fantasizing does mean for me is more blood flow to my genitals, higher states of arousal, sexual self acceptance, and a higher desire for pleasureful acts. I fantasizing about so many things that I would never want to do in my real life, from public sex on a glass elevator to things as kinky as a dog pleasuring me. Neither would I want to do but both are really arousing to think about in my mind where I control the variables. 

My second situation I explained regarding a text from my dad I’ve since learned is an intrusive thought. I was afraid to think it, so I did. Don’t think of a pink elephant, and then that’s all you can think of. A mindful meditation response has been the most helpful with these intrusive thoughts in all areas of my life not just sex and fantasy. When a an unfamiliar thought shows up that triggers fear in me I can take a deep breath, keep stimulating myself and get curious about the thought. This thought is here, is it bringing pleasure? Is it bringing fear? Where does this fear come from? Am I afraid of what this thought says about me? Once I walk myself through all the fears my mind is calm, and I can see what if any pleasure exists alongside the thoughts. Is my body responding to this thought? In this case once I’d calmed down the fears I felt nothing but boredom, my sign that I needed to move onto a thought I find pleasure or excitement in. 

I dig a bit deeper into my mind and see what thoughts and fantasies do create pleasure in my body. Most recently it’s been a fantasy of having sex with two men at the same time. While I am involved the part that is the hottest for me is that the two men are using my body to get eachother off. The one penetrating me from behind is thrusting harder and faster knowing it’s pushing my mouth harder and faster onto the guy in the front of me. Then the two men decide to both penetrate me vaginally their dicks both sliding against and stimulating eachother, I’m just the thing holding them so close together. What really finishes it for me is the thought that the fast thrusting of one gets the other off and they both know it.

My fantasies have been limited by fear and worry most of my life. Having permission from other women like Betty Dodson and all the women featured in Nancy Fridays book “my secret garden” has really opened my mind and expanded my pleasure exponentially. Just talking about some of my fantasies with friends or people I know has released so much shame for me. Allowing them to enhance my pleasure has created such a strong foundation of self love and self acceptance.