For most of my life, I believed that I just wasn’t good at sex. I considered myself to be later bloomer with partner sex. I was 31 when I had intercourse for the first time. After about an hour of kissing and touching, we went to my bedroom. I was aroused and eager. I let him know that I was on the pill. He wanted me to be on top but I wasn’t sure how.

“I never did this before,” I confessed.
“Never been on top?” he asked.
“I’ve never had intercourse,” I said.

I felt shame. I was too old to be a virgin. I should have been more experienced as a sexual partner by now. I had dated and made out with several men, but it never progressed to the potential of intercourse until now. I was embarrassed.

In that moment, he didn’t seem to care. With primal enthusiasm, he instantly climbed on top and I felt his penis slide inside of me. Then immediately he said, “I came. I’m sorry.”

“I’m glad you did,” I replied as I wrapped my legs around him in a hug. I had the urge to pee, so after he pulled out, I got up and went to the bathroom. When I came back, I invited him to stay the night, but he made a lame excuse and left. He never called or answered the message that I left for him.

I blamed myself and lack of experience as the reason he didn’t call. Deep down, I believed that I just wasn’t good enough for partner sex. At least I wasn’t a virgin anymore.

In my teen years during the 1970’s, I read my parents’ copy of the Joy of Sex. I studied the illustrations and the text. The information left me open to trying lots of experiences. I couldn’t wait, actually. During the decade of my 20’s, I regularly read Cosmopolitan magazine I soaked up all of the tips of how to please a partner and be good in bed.

I was orgasmic, thanks to a regular masturbation practice during my teens and twenties. But I didn’t think that wasn’t “real sex.” While pleasuring myself, I would fantasize about doing everything that I read about in the Joy of Sex.

Things seemed to go better with my next sexual partner. When we spent our first night together, I orgasmed when he fingered me. He was open about sex. When he asked, “Can I tie you up?” I didn’t hesitate to say yes. How did he know that bondage was one of my favorite fantasies? We explored the unknown together. I even learned how to be on top.

After a few months of being together, he let me know that he was also seeing another woman and having sex with her. He told me that he didn’t believe in monogamy. I pretended to be okay with it. My parents had taught sex was best in a monogamous, loving relationship. Deep down, I believed that I must be lacking somehow. If I was good enough at sex, then he wouldn’t need another partner. We dated a few more times, but eventually we drifted apart. Fortunately, that wasn’t the end of our story . . .

Reflecting back on that time, I feel compassion for my younger self. While my sexual development benefited in many ways from having sex positive parents and an orgasmic mother, I held a lot of misconceptions about partner sex.

Here’s what I now know, thanks to Betty Dodson:

Truth: Virginity is a social construct.
I was orgasmic and sexual since the age of thirteen. There is no shame in having or not having intercourse at a certain age.

Truth: Masturbation is sex.
My regular masturbation practice taught me about my body and orgasm. I had all of the knowledge that I needed for partner sex.

Truth: Monogamy is a social construct.
There is no shame or blame in having multiple sex partners.

Truth: Women can “run the fuck”
I can state my pleasure without protecting the male ego

Truth: Good partner sex is like play.
We both bring out preferences and ideas as we share our sex energy for mutual pleasure.

Truth: Self-love is everything.
I don’t have to depend on a partner to validate my own self-worth. I prioritize myself.

After Bodysex, I developed confidence in my own orgasm and skills as a sex partner. I put more focus on myself and communicating my pleasure. I realize that it takes two to tango. In the past, I’ve had partners that just weren’t a match for me. It wasn’t that I wasn’t good enough for them.

Recently, I reconnected with my second sex partner – I’m 65 and he is 70. We are having amazing sex together. It’s fun and playful. We’re creative and try out new things. We communicate our pleasure. We’re comfortable in our bodies. There are plenty of orgasms for both of us. He came back to me because I was the best in his history of sex partners. So my younger self was good at sex after all. My Bodysex experiences, feeling more confident in myself, and aging has made me an even better sex partner. Here’s to many more years of satisfying partner sex in addition to my solo sex practice.

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