I have long struggled with how to say no. My sexual preferences in my 20s were loosely defined and dependent on the partners I had during that phase of my life. I would try anything once, and there was no absolute limit on what I would do if I liked a person enough. This has changed substantially in the past year of my life.

I was in a relationship with a person who involved a lot of nonconsensual power play. It was the kind of back-and-forth that is characteristic of an anxious-avoidant dynamic. He had a lot of sexual dysfunction that I realized was deeper than a biological issue. After all, there are endless pills and treatments for men with erectile dysfunction. But I realized his problem was with pornography, past trauma, and was exclusively psychological.

For a long time, I made this my problem. And I accommodated his requests for bare minimum intimacy between us, which left me feeling empty and lonely. His preference was for handjobs and only handjobs. While I enjoyed that act on us both, the complete lack of penetrative sex wore me down. For a while, I held my tongue under the massive weight of shame and guilt we feel as women, stating our pleasure.

Now that the relationship has ended, I find myself saying no left and right after putting myself back out into the dating world. A person online commented on my writing on FetLife. We had a nice chat and walk, but I realized that this person was way more into BDSM than I was. He stated over text that he wanted to come over and that I must be waiting for him on all fours. This upset me, and immediately I realized it was a hard limit.

There were other signs. He wanted me to wear a collar at work that he would buy for me.

Maybe it was all of the shame and torment brought on by my previous partner, but I wanted nothing to do with feeling humiliated or like a person’s property. I realize that people who go through what I went through, and I’m leaving out many a detail, can land in a space where BDSM is healing and freeing for them. That is not my experience.

This man kept insisting that we hook up and said that his stating his preferences didn’t mean we had to do any of those things. Now, I don’t know about you, but when a man states his preferences, I assume that I’ll be bullied into it if I’m not initially interested. Men are raised from birth to state what they want and pursue it with abandon. When I explained my masturbation practice to him, he stated that I needed deep vaginal orgasms, not clitoral ones, which must not be as satisfying. I was sad and I was lonely. I would’ve loved to hook up with a person. But that statement implied a profound misunderstanding of the female sexual response.

And so I said no. And I had to say no a few different times. It wasn’t easy, and I was apologetic. Probably more than I ought to have been. But, I’m proud of myself for finding my no. I have no shortage of interest in the dating apps; it seems that they’re stacked in women’s favor. A person on the app said they didn’t like Alien 1979, and I realized that person is not for me. That isn’t a sexual preference, more of a life preference. My point is that we have agency over who we allow into our lives.

I have come to understand what I want in a sexual relationship. I’m into light bondage. I enjoy power play or being manhandled. That requires a foundation level of trust and respect. No man will unlock a kinkier side of me. I’m not a closed door with a lock. I believe that a lot of men think they will be the one to give me that elusive deep vaginal orgasm, a myth. Or, mold me

into the object that will submit to their wants and needs. And I’ve come to understand that I need to be firm with them. I need to state what I need. And if I have to say it more than once, that’s a message that a person isn’t listening to my stated boundaries. After all, if a person tells me no once, I have no issue respecting that. Why then do we hold men to a different standard?

My preference is to say no. Saying no leads to that enthusiastic yes that I don’t have to think about. Finding my no and my limits has led me to discover what I prefer and want. There’s open space in my life for a lover, but there’s less urgency than ever before. There is no potential lover that is worth the cost of my personal peace and well-being.

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