The only information I had about menopause came from vaginal dryness commercials, sit com punchlines, and Betty’s description of her “heat orgasms”.  At the stroke of 50, I started to feel like I was losing my grip on reality.  I felt angry all the time.  I woke up several times a night uncomfortable and sweaty.  I was in a perpetual state of irritation.  I choked it up to stress, unprocessed grief over Betty’s death and covid trauma.  

My journey started with the doctor appointments: my gynecologist, GP, accupunturist and finally a functional medicine specialist.  They looked down at my chart – my age “51” staring up at them – and not one uttered the word “menopause” or “perimenopause”.  Even after I asked whether all my symptoms could be menopause they pivoted and recommended therapy.  Fucking therapy?  That’s your best answer.  I couldn’t sleep because I couldn’t let myself relax.  It was the ultimate gaslighting.

For me, it was just like orgasm.  Orgasm is an event in the body within my control.  All of my symptoms were in my body and I knew that there was a physical treatment.  I dug deep and kept going.  This is where I feel unlimited compassion for women.  Our doctors don’t listen to us.  Our experience is ignored.  Our bodies are only useful for fucking and birthing.  Everything is in your mind  –  you have to block it all out to find the strength to push forward with children, aging parents, and partners on your back.  I’m not sure I would have made it if English wasn’t my first language or if I was struggling to put food on the table or if I was coping with any other limitation.  I want to be there for all of womankind.

I went on sabbatical.  I bought an infrared sauna and started training with weights – that helped.  Then I joined tik tok.  Believe it or not but I found a community of content creators making videos on menopause with real information- most were even doctors.  Immediately, I felt seen – my experience validated.  Representation matters.  Quickly, I realized that my diet had to change.  I needed more protein especially first thing in the morning.  That helped.  

I started to watch videos on hormone replacement.  Betty used a bioidentical hormone cream for vaginal lubrication but never did any real hormone replacement therapy.  The prevailing belief is that HRT gives you cancer.  I say belief because there was only one study done on the effects of HRT back in the 80s.  This study found that women who did HRT had a 1% increased chance of developing breast cancer.  Not only was this study seriously flawed, but they never did any other research.  More importantly, they used synthetic hormones (bioidentical are much milder).

I thought, “what about Viagra”? I googled around and found that this erection-inducing medication can cause dizziness, indigestion, blindness and even death.  However, that was only in 2% of men.  Interesting that women can’t take HRT because of a 1% chance of symptoms but men are free to regain their hard-on with a 2% chance of symptoms.  Are we really surprised?

Then I thought about birth control pills – they contain estrogen. And what about trans women?  They’re taking estrogen.  I have a new understanding of what it feels like to be denied the hormone therapy that can make you feel like yourself.  I stand with you, sisters.

Armed with my tik tok community and information on bioidentical HRT, I started googling and, with the stroke of one key, had my answer: myalloy.com.  I could chat immediately with a Dr., send over my blood work, and have a prescription at my door in 5 days.  I felt so empowered.  No gaslighting – no copay – no bullshit.  

Within hours, I felt relief.  Sleeping through the night really makes a difference.  No more sweating or irritation.  I almost miss my anger…speaking my truth 24/7 with no filter is quite liberating.  I asked my husband if this is what it feels like to be a man and he said yes.  To not care what anyone else thinks is a real freedom.

Most recently, I started menstruating again. I woke up at 4am feeling this sensation like I needed to release something from my body.  I pulled back the drapes to let in some light and felt around my nightstand drawer for my oil, wand, and glass dildo.  With each orgasm wave, my body felt stronger – I felt connected to something primal.  I slid my hand down towards my pubic mound caressing my clitoris and then dipping into my vagina.  My fingers were sticky as a rode another wave.   As I pulled my hand up towards my face, I could see blood in the moonlight.  It was so erotic.  I thought, “this is how I’m going to do menopause”.  

Laura has been my champion throughout this process.  Knowing that she’s done HRT since she was 37 gave me the courage to advocate for myself.  We’ve have been chronicling our experiences in a podcast for you.  We hope that our voices strengthen your resolve and serve as a comfort on your journey back to yourself – back to pleasure.  

Carlin had the honor of working with Betty Dodson for 13 years and seeing her off the planet.

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