I hadn’t realized that I’d been hoping that my daughter would just grow pubic hair, love it, and never want to do anything with it independently until about a week ago. I sat at my computer reading through emails when I heard my daughter say from the bathroom, “Hey, momma, how do you get rid of vulva hair other than waxing?” I was frozen in panic. If you’re unsure why, check out my recent blog post here where I discuss being in the exact same spot at the exact same age as my daughter and the trauma that ensued afterwards.

I took a deep breath and said, “With a razor or trimmers, why?” She said, “Because mine is so long.” “Is it bothering you?” I asked. She said, “Yeah.” I was frozen, unsure of myself entirely. I wanted so badly to do the right thing for her but didn’t know what that was or what it looked like. So I did the best I could at the moment. I delayed action and told her that I would help her out next time she got out of the shower. Phew, at least I had another day or so to figure out what I was going to do.

So many fears ran through my head. If I talked about how okay pubic hair removal was, would she pick up on a perspective that less was better? If I said no, always leave it, never trim, would she feel like trimming was wrong? This situation had triggered a huge wound in me that I wasn’t aware of; I was still so full of fear at a whole new level—my own children. All my fears were playing through the lens of my own trauma. I knew I had to reach out and get advice that was outside of my experience so that I could learn to operate outside of that old trauma as well. I immediately texted my mentors Carlin and Laura, explained the situation, and asked for any and all advice. Carlin responded and told me that most likely she probably doesn’t want to get rid of it, and that it might be just a new sensation for her. That we could sit down and look in the mirror together and let my daughter explain what exactly was bothering her about her pubic hair. Okay, I could do that, I think. Well, what about if she decides she does want to trim after all the explanations about pubic hair being a protectant and natural, what do I do then, was my next question. Trim it, it grows back, Carlin responded, no biggie. In my mind, I was literally navigating a battlefield full of landmines, in the dark, blindly, with no map. Again, I wanted to do the absolute best that I could for her, but I was clueless as to what that looked like.

The next day came, and my daughter took a shower. I knew that most likely she’d forget that I was gonna help her and that I could delay the whole thing if I really needed to. No, she let me know she was ready to have this conversation, and I was going to honor it by prioritizing it and talking with her about anything and everything “body” that came up. She got out of the shower, and I met her at the door of the bathroom with the Betty Dodson classic freestanding mirror and light. I told her we were going to take a look, and she could show me what was bothering her. I set up a towel on the floor, and we both sat side by side as we fumbled with the mirror on a slippery floor; we both giggled, which eased my tension. Adding a blanket underneath the mirror kept it from slipping. She sat, relaxed her legs, and there was her vulva. She instantly explained, “Man, I can see so much better with this mirror than the other one.” She explained that some of her hair was dark, and some were just really long blonde hairs. I explained that they were there for a purpose, to protect her delicate vulva skin, and that they were probably a new sensation she probably wasn’t used to yet. I let her know that touching could help her get more comfortable with all the changes of her body, and she agreed.

Next, I had a printed out vulva sketch from Betty’s collection and said this would be a great time to go through and find all of your anatomy so you can better understand yourself. So she pulled open her outer labia and she found her clitoral glans, which we talked about being the part that is meant for pleasure. We talked about her clitoral hood and how she’d probably noticed that certain things like pressure from pants or sitting a certain way on a chair had felt like a warm tingle, to which she informed me, “That’s why I love tight pants!” I was so glad she was aware of her pleasure and her genitals at such a young age. A huge part of genital show and tell is aesthetic feedback, and I remembered I hadn’t said anything about how beautiful her genitals were, just like the rest of her. So I told her that she had amazing pink colors, and that they varied from light pinks to darker pinks. I pointed out a vein that ran in an arch above her clitoris, and she said, “Oh, it’s like my own little rainbow!” and spread it big, then small, then big again. She found her clitoral shaft and agreed it did sort of feel like a rubber band. Next, we moved onto the vaginal opening and found her urethral opening. “I’ve always wondered where I pee from!” she exclaimed, and now she knew, and knew at such a young age compared to most women. We talked about her vaginal opening, and I pointed out that a lot of women have a little cluster of tissue at the opening, and we playfully call it a rosebud because it looks like one. She said, “Oh, it does look like a rosebud.” I think seeing our genitals represented in nature can be a very reassuring and comforting thing. “How does a baby fit through there? How does a menstruation cup not bother you being in there?” We talked all about how special that skin is for its stretchy abilities, and that there aren’t many nerve endings in the barrel of the vagina, so once a menstrual cup is past the sensitive opening, you mostly don’t feel it anymore. I remembered that we always talk about the PC muscle as well in a genital show and tell ritual, so I instructed her through finding that muscle in her head and (the one we stop peeing with), and she found it. Knowing we have strong muscles in our genitals is important, but seeing is believing.

I felt this would be the perfect time to talk all about periods too. We practiced putting on a pad, playing with tampons in water, watching them swell up and squeeze the water out, and squishing and folding menstrual cups too. We talked all about why our body bleeds and how, when women can get their periods, and she exclaimed so much excitement for getting it. This was another part where I almost operated from my old conditioning and said ugh, it’s nothing to be excited about, it sucks, then stopped myself. She was excited for this time in her life, and she could have a great perspective on it, so I matched her excitement. I told her getting your period can be a very exciting time in your life; you can actually technically create life at that point, and that’s very exciting indeed!

I could tell she was all serious information-ed out and that she was ready to go play now. As she went and got dressed, I remembered at the last moment we hadn’t talked much about discharge, something that happened alongside pubic hair growth for me. I told her it would happen, what it was, and tried to explain it and realized it would just be easier to show her. I had been alone in my childhood having no idea if what was coming out of my body was normal or if it looked like everyone else’s. I had nothing to compare myself to. So I decided that I would give her the visual I had needed as a young girl, and I pulled down my pants and showed her the inside of my underwear and said it changes from day to day, but today this is what my body made. I told her it was perfectly normal and actually a sign that your vagina and vulva were healthy, and that if it was ever different or unusual, that it could mean her vagina or vulva were sick, and that it’s super easy to get them back to healthy again. I explained that it was totally normal to smell herself and like it, just like any other part of her body like her armpits, hair or skin.

After this conversation I felt so grounded, no longer was I avoiding this big fearful puberty thing but I had embraced what I feared, I had nurtured it and it turned out it was one of the most beautiful moments of my life. I don’t know if it will be a huge moment for her when she grows up but this moment was monumental for me. Not only had I dodged some major trauma for her by facing my own fears and stepped beyond my trauma but I had also healed my own puberty trauma full circle. I wasn’t only mothering my daughter through this moment but also my own inner child.

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