I knew I’d become a mother later in life. It’s probably why I never thought about fertility or finding the right partner. If I was going to finish law school and establish a career, then I had to put my personal life on the back burner. Delaying motherhood felt right even if it meant that I would never give birth. I informed every partner that I planned on adopting and they’d be playing a supporting role. Then there was “The Dream”.

 

From the time I can remember, I had this recurring dream about the end of my life. I’m driving on a highway with my young child in their car seat behind me. Looking down at my hand I can see a large diamond engagement ring and wedding band. My hands are older. Suddenly, I veer off the road and drive into a large tree that sends me sailing through the windshield and onto the pavement. I hear my baby crying and then everything goes black.

 

I had this dream over and over and over again. It felt like a foreshadowing…like a flash forward…something that couldn’t be out run. It was my destiny, a continuing reminder not to get too comfortable.  

 

Once I met Betty, I stopped having that dream almost immediately. It didn’t register at first. One day I realized that I hadn’t awakened in the middle of the night with the shock of hitting the pavement in over a year. It felt like I’d changed my future, like dedicating my life to Bodysex rewrote my narrative. I started to imagine growing older and living past 40. I started to feel hope.

 

In the workshops, we witnessed what Betty would later term the “Bodysex effect”. Women would join us in the circle, connect to their inner truth, and completely change their lives. They’d ask for raises or move to other countries or end unhappy relationships or meet the love of their lives. Even I was changed.

 

My truth was the burning desire to become a mother and grow life inside my body. With every orgasm, I wanted it more and more and more. Then Grayson came to me in a dream.

 

Holding this blue-eyed baby boy in my arms night after night, I knew I had to end my current relationship. He didn’t want children and he was a man of color. My friends and family thought I was crazy. They kept reminding me of our compatibility and his income and my age (I was almost 40). But I’d never been so sure of anything in my life. We were breaking up and I would be pregnant in under a year.

 

And I was. That Christmas – my first as a single woman – I texted a former employee and good friend to see if they wanted to get drinks. Drinks became a New Year’s party…a New Year’s Eve party became a weekend…a weekend became a dresser drawer at his place…and a dresser drawer at his place became a trip to Costa Rica…and a trip to Costa Rica became a wedding on the beach because we were pregnant.  

 

Looking back now I don’t think that I chose motherhood. Rather motherhood chose me. Grayson’s soul called to me, and I heard him. Our truth is there when we ground pleasure and simply listen.