Art by Betty Dodson

True story. The above happened about three weeks ago at a recent medical study to monitor my sleep apnea. I didn’t masturbate. My choices for behavior are different than my thoughts. I didn’t feel any shame. I’m proud of my dirty mind.

When I got home, I replayed the fantasy and masturbated to reach a wonderful orgasm. I’ve added this story to my mental file box of fantasies. I can change up elements for variety. My fantasies are just for me, for my own pleasure and not usually something that I would choose to act out in reality.

I completely understand how my thoughts during the sleep study went in this direction. Medical fantasies are a theme for me. I get aroused with an element of power exchange, as in the doctor being an authority telling me, the patient what to do. I’m not in control as my body is being stimulated and probed while the results are being recorded. I submit because I’m a good girl, but my sexual response shows how naughty I really am. Sometimes I’m punished with a spanking, another arousing element for me. Of course, it’s all for science.

My fantasies are very different from the reality of my sex life. Every time I’ve tried to act out a fantasy with a partner, either mine or theirs, it has been disappointing. Every. Single. Time. When another person gets in on the act, I’m not completely in control. My partner does or says something that may work for them, but not for me. Of course, that’s okay and part of the shared experience. I do enjoy sexual role play with a partner or partners. Role play is more like improvisation, different from my own fantasies. I can have fun when I accept whatever happens with a partner. We share sexual energy as we play together. It’s arousing in a way that’s different than when I go completely within my own thoughts.

As long as I can remember, I’ve been fantasizing for my own pleasure. My earliest memory was thinking about receiving oral sex as I masturbated when I was 13 years old. To help me learn more about sex, my mother had given me the book “Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex but Were Afraid to Ask” by David Rueben (1969). It opened up my world with sex information, answering questions that I didn’t even know I had. I read that book feverishly and replayed arousing content in my head as I masturbated. In my mid-teens, I found lying around the house a copy of “My Secret Garden,” an anthology of fantasies collected by author Nancy Friday. The range of fantasies and information in that book freed my mind and gave me permission to think sexual thoughts without guilt or shame. I feel so lucky to have been the daughter of a sex-positive mother while a teenager in the 1970’s. It was a time of sexual freedom and feminism before everything snapped back in the more conservative 1980’s. I was given education as well as permission to be sexual at an important stage in my development.

One of my reliable fantasy themes that always gets me off while masturbating involves me being spanked. There’s usually some kind of power dynamic involved, like I’m a student being spanked by the teacher or a secretary being spanked by the boss. I’ll mentally create a situation that involves me innocently doing something wrong or being falsely accused of some transgression. Have you seen the film Secretary with James Spader and Maggie Gyllenhall? Or the film Compliance? Scenes from both of those movies have been inspiration for my own fantasies. I also enjoy sensual spankings as part of my partner sex play, although I don’t usually fantasize while being spanked in real life. I don’t have to imagine the feeling because it’s actually happening so I can focus on the sensation in my body. Spanking is very arousing for me.

Sometimes I replay a particularly enjoyable sex experience from my past as my fantasy while I masturbate. Like the time a partner wrapped me in saran wrap and tied me to his bed with my legs spread while he stimulated my clit with his tongue and then Magic Wand for what seemed like hours of orgasms. Or when I received this incredibly erotic foot massage without any genital touch at all. Or hotel sex while I lay on my back at the edge of the bed, my spread legs resting on my partner’s chest with my feet on his shoulders while he fucked me to an explosive mutual orgasm. I usually change up some elements, like the situation or the partner. I’m focused on the memory of the feeling in my body.

Allowing my mind the freedom to think sexual thoughts without self-censorship is just as important as giving my body permission to feel sexual pleasure.  My imagination helps connect my thoughts with my body to support my orgasm. My sexual fantasies are solely for my own pleasure. I love my dirty mind.

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