Speaking my mind has always been a really hard thing to do. Not only because I feared what everyone would think every time I spoke my truth, but also because I couldn’t hear my own truth.

My whole life I saw my external world as more important, more prominent than my internal world. I had experiences that told me when my internal feelings crept out that they weren’t wanted, so instead, I focused on external circumstances and people. I coped by not needing anything. I got so good at ignoring every need of my mind, body, and soul that I shut down my awareness of my needs altogether.

The only times I spoke out were in areas where I could be defiant or rebellious. If someone suggested I wear a certain thing, I’d fight the suggestion impulsively without even really knowing my own preference. This lead to me being labeled as stubborn, defiant, argumentative, and different from anyone else. I could fight external things but I couldn’t softly honor and embrace them.

I could scream about what I didn’t want but was clueless to what I wanted. I was angry at the world around me for enjoying life and sexuality because I couldn’t figure out how to hold the joy, only the despair. I always felt so lost within my inner world and myself, forever flawed and always wrong and utterly unfulfilled. I didn’t go inside, I didn’t touch my inner world because I couldn’t understand it. The outside world was where I focused, spent my efforts and navigated flawlessly but always felt resentful and empty afterwards. 

When I found Bodysex and Betty’s books, I would often feel a part resonate deep within myself. I realized I was awakening to a part of me I was scared to know. A part of me who could finally hear and figure out all her needs and meet them. I found the ability to listen and be able to pleasure me like no one else could. I found the trust to comfort myself beyond my wildest dreams. I began to understand myself like a sacred language only I wrote and knew how to decipher.

This newfound part of me is empowering; it reminds me of my worth, and guides me to my roots and my truths. I’ve only been in touch with this part of myself for the last two and a half years, so things with this part of myself are new. I don’t always honor the needs that show up, I don’t always take the time to listen to this quiet presence sharing insights.

I’m still learning to go within and trust myself and often times I still fail. Still there’s so much independence I’ve found in accepting and embracing that I truly know me better than anyone else and always will.

These insights are often just a whisper to me, and when I am quiet and sit with only myself I can hear them:

“You need time alone with yourself to process these emotions.”

“You need time to dance and play and forget the hard stuff for a while.”

“You need more self loving masturbation time.”

“Sweet girl, take pleasure and fly for a while, this earth pulls at you too hard.”

Nothing brings me closer to myself and my truth than masturbation and self pleasure. I’ve learned that I know so much truth about me.

Self love time is a vulnerable quiet place where I open the door for my inner world and leave it wide open. Im learning to embrace the truths of my inner world, sometimes that is tears alongside an orgasm, or creative energy, or a strong confidant plan for the day. Masturbation truly is the void for me, there is no one else there, no other needs but my own, no outside influences or emotions, nothing, but me. This can be a scary place because I have no choice but to trust me, trust the feedback my body gives, the emotions my heart leaks, and to trust the support I give myself is more than enough. In the space of masturbation I start by wandering around in the dark it’s still so unfamiliar in the beginning. Little by little as time goes by I find myself one piece at a time my body confirming what I know with bits of pleasure and by the end, alongside pleasure, I find and hold myself deeply.

Surrounded in self pleasure I confirm everything I am, my value as a human, and the love I deserve all by myself. 

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