I rarely feel aroused these days. The barrage of sexual violence – the continual gaslighting – the deliberate denial of women’s healthcare. It’s exhausting. Every time Congress votes on the SAVE Act my vagina goes dry and my clit shrivels.

Despite all of this, I stimulate my body to orgasm on a weekly basis.

I’m not motivated by feelings of sexual desire anymore. I can’t cheat and ride the estrogen surge right before my period because I’m in menopause. Self-pleasure and orgasm are now a conscious choice. I have to check in with my body, block out the time, and make it happen.

Accepting this shift was the first step in maintaining my orgasm as I age.

Weekends are out because there are too many family things to do. My prime time is weekdays at 11am. My family is sorted and the world is busy creating the next news cycle so there’s this beautiful lull. In these moments, I imagine women across the world exhaling all at once, free to steal a few moments for themselves before anyone catches on.

I like to exercise – just some simple weight training in my basement – followed by a sauna in the nude. Feeling the sweat drip down the length of my back into my gluteal clef, down my neck and over my breasts kicks starts my arousal. I am alone with my thoughts sheltered away from the outside world free to wonder and desire. My hands glide over my body; my sweat lubricating their path. I feel gratitude for every inch of my divine self. Gone are critical thoughts. I am connected.

Then I take a shower. My hands glide over my body – soap lubricating their path. This is where I do my vulva massage. I soap up my hands, squat down, and run my fingers in between my labia…I massage my perineum…I lightly pass over my clitoris. I touch every inch of my vulva. Then I rinse off the soap feeling a tingle as the water passes over my clitoris; I use my fingers to separate the folds and hold myself open. I want more.

I turn off the water and towel off my body. After I moisturize my skin, I squeeze oil into my hands and lube up my vulva. She’s warm, plump, and ready.

The wand is my constant, but I select my preferred dildo of the day. This time I want the curved glass dildo with the mushroom-shaped ends. I take my chosen dildo and run it up the length of my vulva – from my clit down to my perineum – circling my vaginal opening. It feels best when I move it side-to-side at the top right above my clitoris, on my clitoral shaft. Slowly, I penetrate my vagina inch by inch…stopping…breathing…and taking my time until it slides right in with no resistance.

Then I put my wand on low and press it on my perineum working my way up my outer labia to the top of my pubic mound. It feels really good when I press the wand into my pubic bone and the sides of my pelvis. The vibrations go right through me. I keep doing circles around my clitoris without going too close to her. I’m teasing myself and it feels wonderful. Then I put the wand right on my dildo and feel the jolt of arousal. Now, I want it all.

For me, my right outer labia at the very top is the most sensitive so I place my vibe there as I roll my pelvis in forward- sliding my dildo in and out as I roll up, tense, and then let everything go. When I feel tension in my neck or have a distracting thought, I relax my body, breathe, and focus on the sensation I’m feeling in my body.

As I feel that first orgasm wave rising up in my body, I consciously pace myself. My first orgasm is quick and my eyes are closed. I take a break putting my feet in the lotus position and breathe knowing that the next few waves are going to be the sweet stuff because now I’m fully aroused.

These waves are all joy; I keep my eyes open. I never question…there is no tension in my neck…this is the time when inspiration strikes, when I know what’s next, when I understand my truth. There are no words just feelings. I keep going until my heart is beating fast in my chest, there’s a light sweat over every inch of my body, and I feel done (although there’s always one more wave right below the surface).

I never lock my bedroom door. Twice my husband walked in while I was resting in between orgasm waves. He simply kissed my lips, patted the dog, and went back to his call. Those moments were so intimate; I felt no shame. I saw him smile as he left the room.

It took a few decades, but I love myself enough to freely express my sexuality on my own terms. I don’t care about being attractive or liked.

Whether or not I have a partner means nothing. Connecting to my orgasm…alone…without need of anything or anyone else is the healing. I create my own arousal.

On the wave, I am liberated from the confines of this world, and I am whole.

Carlin had the honor of working with Betty Dodson for 13 years and seeing her off the planet.

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